Unusually Grand Ideas ♥
Mania or hypomania (manic episodes) in people with a history of bipolar disorder. Symptoms may include: great increased energy, severe problems sleeping, racing thoughts, reckless behavior, unusually grand ideas, excessive happiness or irritability, or talking more or faster than usual. - (Latuda.com)
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She felt her head begin to throb as the whirlwind began to manifest into physical pain, and her left leg began to bounce. The thoughts were reaching a deafening, yet dull, roar. She crinkled her nose as the sensation of losing control caused her skin to crawl. She gripped the edge of her bed, squeezing hard as the comforter creased along with her forehead. Her leg bounced more rapidly and she felt herself begin to disassociate, the link between her head and heart fading as she left her body. The biting panic rose in her chest, and she curled her toes, quietly beginning to cry. It felt as if her entire body was frozen and yet was on fire, and every breath brought her closer to feeling as if her heart would stop.
She reached for her phone, her hands shaking as she struggled to unlock it. With frantic taps, she wrote:
I hate not knowing how I feel. I can never pinpoint it. It's like I'm standing in the middle of the Milky Way trying to find the smallest star. There's too much commotion, too many things. It would be so much easier if it was simply that star and me. Alone. So I can focus on it and analyze it, and ask it, "Why do I feel this way?" But no. I can't. I'm plunged into a black abyss where I'm surrounded by billions of stars, all pointing to something different, all blazing a different message, solution, answer. I'm confused, and all of that chaos hurts me, it burns my eyes, it sears my soul. What do I do?
And she hit 'send'.
She fell back onto her bed, her head caught by her pillows, her body sinking into the vine-patterned blanket. She tried to steady her breathing as she closed her eyes, clutching her stuffed brown horse as her phone slid off of her chest, and rested beside her. The darkness sunk in, and she fought hard to be calm, to fend for herself in the midst of the dizzying downpour in her mind.
She began to think of any little piece of life that gave her happiness. Any little sunflower that poked through the infertile soil of her self-hatred. Any shred of magic in this fantasy-devoid world. Her mind trailed back to when she was little. She thought of those days when she felt like she could be anything. She was a fairy, she was a princess, she was a unicorn rider. She ran across the beach and the towel around her shoulders became butterfly wings or a superhero cape. She could scale mountains, swim across the ocean, save those who needed help or hurt. She could heal broken hearts, soothe away pain, and give anyone a true reason to smile. And beside her through it all was Chase. And Chase believed he could fly, he could fight monsters, he could protect her through anything. He had big plans, daring dreams, and...unusually grand ideas. She had remembered reading that on the side effect sheet for one of the medications she was taking. Unusually grand ideas. Wishful childhood thinking. But...weren't there still things that brought meaning to her trips around the sun? Her thoughts brushed across the script of her life.
Fireworks in Iowa summers. Golden summer nights with smooth hot chocolate. Autumn rain with dragon-breath billows in the cold air. Fresh sheets with cool pillows. Running with music carrying me along. Singing as loud as possible alone in the car. Laughing so hard I snort and my cheeks hurt. Long, long, long hugs with the softest of breaths. Sipping coffee as I write, feeling encircled by words that love me back. Petting cats, riding horses, seeing dolphins at the beach. The blue in the sunset, the moon during the day, the breeze whispering on my skin. My freckles, my new-found strength, the fact I have eyes that can see smiles, ears that can hear laughter, hands that can hold and be held...Those moments when I feel beautiful, invincible, stuck in a permanent point of being young, free, in love, overjoyed, and like every little thing is shrouded in magic that sparkles faintly, but it's there if you look and believe.
A sudden tear slipped down her cheek and she opened her eyes just as her phone chimed.
Chase.
She blinked away the bleariness of the tears, unlocked her phone, and opened the message.
You can do anything and nothing. You can make a choice, Ave. You can still ask that star, scream at it from a distance if you have to. Raise your voice, make yourself heard, don't give up. Those billions of stars burn out in an instant, but you won't. You still are a light in that abyss, and though you hurt, you are still going to be okay. You will. What can I do to help you?
Avery sat up, more tears dancing down her cheeks, tracing shimmering pathways down to her smile. She typed back:
I thought of you. I thought of the little things in my life. I thought of magic. I thought of how I've made it through, and how I can keep going. It will be hard, it will feel long, but it will wax and wane and circle back and forth. And I can choose to not give up, to not end it, to not cut the ties. I'll ask that star. I'll ask the next. I'll find my way. And I know that even if things change, you'll still be there. I can do this.
Thank you. I helped myself this time.
♥
Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/432908582912671210/
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