Personal: Where Have I Been? ♥

Trigger Warning: 

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This post talks about suicidal thoughts, alcohol use, thoughts of self-harm, bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. 

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Hello!

This is Amanda. I decided to start writing posts where I just write about my actual life, illness, and whatever is going on that I wish to talk about. These types of posts will be labeled as 'Personal' and will be non-fiction - any other post will be Chase and Avery writing!

So, where have I been?

About 4 weeks ago now, I felt myself beginning to fall into a low depressive cycle, which is normal for bipolar disorder. I had been at a baseline stage for awhile, feeling neither too high or too low. With type 2 bipolar, it is much more common to dip into depressive lows rather than manic highs. 

However, this depressive low was unlike any other one I have ever experienced. I felt lower than ever, and I entered a incredibly scary place and headspace.

Sadly, I lost control.

On Monday, September 14th, I broke my nearly 110 days of sobriety and drank alcohol with the intent of going numb in order to end my life. I drove to my friend's house (I consumed the alcohol at the end of my drive, before seeing him) and proceeded to attempt to act normal. However, my best friend knew I wasn't okay, and even commented that I was acting nervous before wrapping me in a hug. He knew. I broke down crying, but did not yet admit I had drank. He listened as I explained what was going on inside my head, but I felt like I was only sinking further down into the darkness, which was enveloping my mind and heart like tar, choking the light and life from me.

Finally, I felt like there was no help. No one was hearing me. What was the point of trying? So, I shut down. I attempted to leave his house and get in my car, but he followed me out. I didn't start my car, but just sat slumped in the front seat. My friend told me that if I left, he would call the police, and I knew then and there he was taking me seriously. I sat in the car for a long time as he talked to me, reading over something I had written, which was a collection of my suicidal thoughts. He read it aloud, and piece by piece, he addressed each one and told me his own experience with them and what he felt in response to my own thoughts, feelings, and experience. 

My best friend had contacted my fiancé while we were sitting there, and he eventually showed up. We all went back into my friend's house, and I eventually calmed down and found myself laughing and feeling thankful to be surrounded by so much love. I still couldn't shake the feeling that it didn't matter if I kept living or laughing or feeling joy, but for that moment, I knew I was safe. 

The spell did not break, and is still going today (September 28). I am feeling less suicidal, but I did continue to drink until the day before yesterday, which has caused me major anxiety. I am trying to detox and calm down, and go back to working hard on being sober. It is not easy, especially when alcohol gives me an "easy out" to feeling good, high, happy, and loose.

I strongly desired to harm myself or end my life for a solid week, and I have in the past as well. I still struggle with those thoughts. But I know that with the lows come the ascents, and it is once again time for me to rise. To become stronger. To become better. To push past my limits and burn even brighter. 

It does get better. It truly does. The pain may never fully stop, but it can become quieter. I think I may always wrestle with the anger and frustration I feel with the fact that I will live with this illness for the rest of my life. It sucks. It majorly sucks.

But, that's life. And this is my life. I only get one, and I need to make sure I live a good one. I want to help others, and in order to do that, I can't harm myself. I must carry on. 

So, that's where I've been. And I hope to keep moving forward. 

♥

Image source: https://feminisminindia.com/2017/04/11/mournings-waking-up-morning-sadness/