Dashed Hopes ♥ (Part 2 to Like I Hoped)

The sun’s rays bathed the world in a golden light and spread its glow up the side of the house and to Avery’s window, attempting to spill its way into her room. The brightness poked gently at the sleeping girl’s eyelids, prompting her to wake up and greet the new day. She rolled over, trying to escape the beckoning call, but her alarm also took up arms and began to sound, making her turn back over to silence the noise. 

Avery opened her eyes to the glow of the sun behind her curtains, and yawned deeply, blinking the hazy sleep out of her beryl eyes. As she began to wake, stretching her body out underneath her blankets, she recalled the previous day's events, from waking up next to Chase, to her encounter with Jade, to remembering what she had told Chase she would do. 

She felt a monstrous dread coil around her heart as she remembered today was the day she would talk to her mom about she had been feeling these past few weeks, the reason why Chase spent the night, and, if she was super brave, even the contents of the box now removed from underneath her bed. 

She slowly got dressed and ready, moving at a snail’s pace as she washed her face, brushed her hair and teeth, and skipped on any makeup, figuring it would just get ruined if she cried. She tugged on her favorite blue jeans, coffee-cup printed socks, and soft black shirt, doing her hair up in a messy bun. She braced her shoulders, quietly speaking her script out loud once more, trying to not chicken out. She opened her bedroom door and poked her head out, listening for movement. She could hear her mother downstairs in the kitchen and smell coffee and bacon – it was her mother’s day off from the salon, and she usually made breakfast for them both after getting to sleep in for a little while. Avery took a deep breath, inhaling the smokiness of the bacon and sultry scent of the brewing coffee, and descended the stairs. She padded into the brightly lit kitchen, her mother facing the stove, flipping the bacon over and then attending to some pancakes bubbling in another pan. Her platinum blonde hair was also up in a bun, its pearly hue shining under the kitchen lights, and her mother was humming something to herself as she turned a golden-brown pancake over.

“Good morning, mom,” Avery spoke lightly, trying not to startle her mom.

Marie turned and saw her daughter, breaking into a smile, spatula in her hand.

“Good morning, love! Did you sleep well?” her mother asked, placing the spatula down and hugging her daughter briefly.

“I did, thank you,” Avery replied, returning her mom’s hug before pulling her a blue, heart-patterned mug out of the cupboard. “Can I have some of this coffee?” she asked, pointing to the percolator.

“I made enough for both of us!” her mom said cheerily, sliding a pancake onto the waiting stack beside her. “Feel free to have some.”

Avery poured herself a half mug of coffee before adding a splash of vanilla almond milk and squeezing a bit of honey and chocolate sauce into the mixture. Her mother then handed her a plate of pancakes and bacon.

“Could you set this on the table, love? I’ll join you shortly,” her mom asked, moving to make her own coffee.

Avery made her way to the kitchen table, which was already set with two plates and assorted cutlery. She placed the plate of breakfast goodness on the table and then took her seat, sipping away at her coffee, frowning as she mildly burnt her tongue. Her mom sat down at the head of the table and invited Avery to pray with her, which Avery did, bowing her head and silently pleading that this conversation would go well as her mother spoke her own request of the food blessing their bodies and for a good day ahead. They served themselves the fluffy pancakes and crispy bacon, cooked to perfection with just a little bit of black on the edges.

“So, what’s your plan for today, honey?” Marie inquired, cutting into her first pancake and taking a bite.

 “Um, I was going to go hang out with Chase at Rejavanate today and just relax,” Avery said before stuffing a bit of pancake in her own mouth, her nerves beginning to act up. “What about you?”

“I was just going to run some errands and then go see Ben for a bit,” Marie replied, sipping her coffee delicately. “Speaking of him, Chase mentioned that he wanted to talk to me about something yesterday, but he never did. He said it was about you.” Marie raised her eyebrows and regarded her daughter with a curious expression. 

Avery’s breath caught in her chest. It was time to come clean. She exhaled and set her fork down, trying to relax her mind, which had begun to tangle up. 

“He didn’t tell you because I told him I wanted to,” Avery started, still fighting to keep herself calm. “I told him that it was important that I tell you myself.”

“Well, what is it, sweetheart?” Marie asked, setting her coffee cup down and smiling at her daughter.

Avery felt fear as she took in her mother’s smile. She knew it wouldn’t last on her lips after she spoke her next words. 

“Mom…I wanted to tell you about how I’ve been feeling lately. About why I blew up at Chase and...what I’ve been talking about with my counselor.”

“I know you’ve been talking about Rory, love. And that you have felt some...bitterness regarding his death and your illness. Is that what this is about?” Marie asked gently.

Avery balled her fists in her lap, pushing them down into her thighs, trying to not have a panic attack.

“Yes, but...I was also feeling more. I...I’ve been hiding something, and I finally got brave enough to tell Chase, and now….I want to tell you.” Avery’s mouth felt dry as a desert, and she was beginning to sweat a little. 

Marie froze, her soul seizing up. The air between the two turned cold. 

“I...I felt….I wanted to end my life, mom,” Avery said faintly, her voice trembling. “I...I had some things in my room. I was really struggling with depression, and feeling worthless and ugly, and after blowing up at Chase, I felt so disgusting. I felt like I was the worst person in the world for hurting one of the people I love the most, and I got so scared that….that I would do it again. To you, to him, to everyone else. And I just wanted to escape that pain and fear...so all I could think about was...going away.” Avery managed to choke out. She began to shake more, keeping her eyes fixed on her fists in her lap. “So...I wrote some letters. I got a knife and some...pills. I just felt so alone. But after I opened up to Chase on my birthday, and he stayed the night, I realized I want to live. I want to fight through my pain, and be honest about how I feel, and overcome my circumstances. I want to make you proud, and I don’t want to leave you, mom. I love you so much. I was so beyond terrified to tell you all of this.”

Avery broke down crying and shook with the relief of releasing her emotions. She managed to look up to her mom’s face, and her sobs halted.

Her mother was staring at her with a steely expression. She looked furious, mixed with anguish and horror. 

“What?” Marie managed to say. “Am I hearing you correctly? You were going to end your life and were hiding the means to do so all this time? How long?”

Avery’s courage crumbled in an instant at her mother’s reaction. 

“A few weeks,” Avery said nervously, her heart pounding. “But I swear, mom, I didn’t do anything to myself. I kept fighting the feelings, I kept working every day to be okay. I wanted to tell you so badly, and I’m...proud of myself that I did,” Avery stammered. 

Her mother rose from the table, abandoning her breakfast and grabbing her purse and keys, her body radiating anger. 

“Get up. I’m taking you to the hospital,” she said icily. 

“W-What?” Avery said, her eyes widening in shock.

“I am taking you to the psychiatric hospital. The one your counselor recommended to me in case of emergencies. You are going, right now,” Marie said, her face set in stone. 

“Mom, wait, I thought...I thought you would be happy I told you,” Avery quavered. “I told you that I...I wasn’t going to do it. I promise. Please don’t make me go there,” she begged. 

Marie ignored her daughter’s pleading and glared down at her. 

“Where are the knife and pills? Give them to me,” Marie demanded. 

“I don’t have them anymore,” Avery whispered. “I gave them to Chase.”

Marie only looked more furious and stood rigidly, clutching her keys, and staring at her daughter.

“Go upstairs, pack a bag, and get in the car,” her mother said firmly.

Avery remained rooted to her chair, feeling a rising wave of shock billowing up in her body.

“Avery Joy, now!” her mother shouted, her tone twisted with pain.

Avery recoiled at the sudden volume of her mother’s voice, jumped from the table, and turned tail, running up the stairs to her bedroom and slamming the door shut behind her.

She felt trapped, isolated, and terrified. Her mom wasn’t going to let her leave, and she was forcing her to go with her to a hospital. Avery knew she could try to argue that she didn’t have to go anywhere like that since she was over eighteen, but she also didn’t feel like putting up a fight. She hurriedly flew about her room, stuffing clothes into her spacious blue backpack, along with necessities from her bathroom. She zipped it up, grabbed her stuffed horse, and only then felt warm tears tickling her cheeks. She wished they were Chase’s fingers instead, dancing across her face and counting her freckles to make her smile.

She descended the stairs once more, trying to be brave like Chase had told her she was. Her mother was waiting by the door, keys in hand, looking stiff and angry.

“Let’s go,” she said, opening the front door and pointing Avery out into the driveway.

Avery obeyed and exited the house, squeezing her horse to her chest and trying to keep her breathing steady.

They got into her mother’s car and pulled out of the driveway, traveling down their street and out of the neighborhood. Avery silently watched out the window as her house disappeared from her view, as well as the park where she and Chase had met their butterfly friend and sat on the swings under the starry sky.

Her mother gripped the steering wheel with a vengeance, her mouth a set line. Her mind was racing, trying to comprehend what she was doing and how she was acting.

Am I being rational? Marie thought to herself, her forehead creasing. I don’t know what else to do. I have to protect my daughter. God forbid I lose her, too. Rory…why aren’t you here?

Her knuckles turned white as she tightened her hands and she felt tears swimming into her eyes. She remained deathly quiet as she drove into the hospital parking lot and parked the car, pulling the keys from the ignition and slamming the driver’s door shut behind her, making Avery nearly jump out of her skin.

Avery fumbled about with her backpack, horse, and seatbelt, but managed to also get out of the car and followed her mom into the lobby. The fear now truly squeezed around her heart like a snake draining the life from its prey. She couldn’t think or speak. She could only mindlessly follow her mom as she marched up to the receptionist and spoke in hushed tones, gesturing to Avery every now and then. The receptionist nodded and picked up a phone, dialing an extension, and waiting patiently. She spoke briefly and then placed the phone back into its cradle, and waved Marie and Avery over to some seats to wait for whoever the receptionist had just spoken with. Marie slumped down into a chair and Avery sat down beside her, placing her bag on the floor and hugging her horse to her wildly beating heart. Each minute that passed felt like its own eternity, the tension hanging between Avery and Marie nearly palpable. 

Nearly a half-hour had passed, and just when Avery felt like she might bolt from her chair and try to escape, a tall, slim woman with mouse-brown hair and round glasses gracefully emerged from the heavy door separating the lobby from the rest of the hospital. She had a serene smile on her face as she glided up to Marie and Avery, her left hand extending as she reached them.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Swann,” she spoke, her voice like a sweet birdsong. “I’m here to speak with Avery?”

“Hello,” Marie said, shaking the doctor’s hand and then gesturing to Avery. “I’m Marie Nicholson, and this is my daughter, Avery.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet both of you, even if the circumstances of why you are here aren’t so lovely,” Dr. Swann replied, smiling softly before turning to Avery. “Hello, Avery. Would you mind coming into the back with me for a little while?”

Avery nodded, still silent. She rose from her chair, stooping to sling her backpack onto her shoulder.

“Oh, you won’t need that just yet, you can leave it with your mom,” Dr. Swann said gently. “But you can bring your equine friend,” she finished with a wink.

Marie also got up, taking the bag from Avery, and stood waiting to follow the doctor and her daughter.

“Avery, how old are you?” Dr. Swann asked, eyeing Marie.

“I just turned twenty-two,” Avery spoke faintly.

“Happy belated,” Dr. Swann replied with a smile. “Since you are over eighteen, you have the option of either speaking with me privately, or you can invite your mom to join us. What would you prefer?”

Dr. Swann still kept an eagle eye on Marie, who didn’t look happy with what the doctor had just said.

Avery glanced at her mom, her severe expression making Avery’s soul tremble. Avery felt like her mom would explode if she declined to have her come speak with the doctor. She swallowed hard and tried to picture Chase, willing his words to come sailing into her stormy mind.

You’re Bravery Avery.

Avery raised her head and looked into Dr. Swann’s smooth, gray eyes.

“I…I would like it if I could talk with you alone,” Avery nearly whispered.

“Are you sure I can’t come?” Marie said suddenly, shifting her weight. “She just told me she was planning on ending her own life. Don’t you think that warrants her mother being able to be a part of this conversation?”

“Unless Avery was deemed so unwell she could not make medical decisions for herself, she is legally an adult and therefore has a choice, Ms. Nicholson,” Dr. Swann replied calmly. “I’m sure Avery will be honest on her part, and I assure you I will make my best assessment of what she needs.”

Marie looked like she was going to protest, but instead closed her mouth and nodded, sitting back down with Avery’s backpack.

“If you’ll follow me, Avery,” Dr. Swann said, beginning to walk back towards the metal door from which she had come.

Avery trudged behind her, feeling as though her mother’s eyes were boring into her back. Dr. Swann pulled the door open and Avery walked through, hearing it shut behind her with a firm thud. Dr. Swann led Avery into a small office with a few chairs and a computer, which Dr. Swann sat behind.

“You can take a seat,” she said, smiling at Avery, who obeyed and sat down across from Dr. Swann.

Dr. Swann tapped on a few keys before turning her attention to Avery.

“So, my dear, what brings you here today?” Dr. Swann asked gently.

“I…Didn’t my mom already say?” Avery replied quietly.

“She told our receptionist, who then briefly repeated that information to me, but I would like to hear it from you,” Dr. Swann explained, her soft smile still on her angular face.

“Um…okay,” Avery started, grasping her horse closer. “I…um…” she trailed off, feeling helpless.

“It’s okay, you can take your time,” Dr. Swann said, her tranquil expression bringing some peace to Avery.

She took a deep breath, tried her best to compose herself, and began again.

“Well, I…I told my mom today how I’ve been feeling lately, and it didn’t go like I thought it would,” Avery said softly. “A few weeks ago, I was in a bad place. I…I was really struggling with my feelings. It’s been causing me to feel really depressed and angry, and I just…haven’t been doing well.”

“I see,” Dr. Swann nodded, typing at the computer. “And what do you think might be causing you to feel this way?”

Avery shifted nervously, moving to touch her opal ring and realizing it wasn’t on her finger. She had forgotten it in her rush to leave. Instead, she played with her horse’s mane and considered her next words.

“When I was really little, my dad killed himself because he had bipolar disorder, and he felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone about it,” she said in a hushed tone, keeping her eyes on the floor. “My mom told me that his dad raised him to never show emotion and that it was unmanly to cry, and so whenever my dad did because of his symptoms or just because he felt sad, his dad would beat him. So, my dad never got help or a diagnosis until he was married. My mom kept pushing him to seek help, and it was straining their marriage, but my mom understood why my dad was so hesitant to look for help because of all he went through,” Avery explained, her voice catching as her heart ached. “When I was born, my dad was still not doing well and was drinking a ton to help him escape his pain. His job was really high-stakes and he felt so much pressure and he also felt alone. So…he killed himself. And then when I was growing up, I found out I inherited the illness, and my mom was so scared. She’s been making me go to therapy, and at first, I hated it, but now it’s really helping me,” Avery paused, unsure if she should go on.

Dr. Swann continued typing on the keyboard, still looking over at Avery every now and then, listening intently. When Avery grew quiet, Dr. Swann stopped typing and swiveled herself to face Avery.

“I’m listening dear, you can keep going whenever you’re ready,” she said, smiling gently. “I’m just jotting down notes for your file. This is all confidential, you don’t need to worry.”

Avery felt her trust going stronger towards the doctor, so she once again gathered her courage and continued speaking.

“So, my counselor and I have started talking about my dad more and more. I really didn’t realize how much resentment I felt toward him until now, and it made me feel disgusting,” Avery said, her voice trembling a bit. “I…I didn’t want to hate him, or feel angry at him for killing himself, but I felt betrayed because he left me and my mom, and I inherited his illness, too. I began to feel alone, and I felt like no one truly understood me. So…I started thinking of ending my life, too. I wrote letters, and I managed to sneak a knife into my room, and I went out and gradually bought different kinds of pills. I was going to get alcohol next, but I didn’t. I felt possessed - like I wasn’t making these choices by my own will. All I could think about was getting away from the pain, and with every letter I wrote, I wondered if this was how my dad felt. I realized how much he suffered, and it began to make me understand why he did what he did. And so, I didn’t feel so angry anymore,” Avery murmured, squeezing her horse’s hooves like a stress ball. “I started talking to my counselor more and more about this, but I didn’t tell her about my plan or what I was hiding. I still felt like ending my life. I was so depressed and anxious, but I kept hiding it out of fear of anyone finding out. But then, this past Friday, my best friend came over and I…I just kind of lost it at him. It made him realize I wasn’t okay, and then my mom found out, too. I just wandered the house the whole next day, feeling like a monster. I didn’t mean to hurt him. That made me only feel more strongly like I should kill myself, so I wouldn’t hurt anyone I loved.”

Avery began to cry softly, and Dr. Swann reached over, gently laying a hand on her knee. Her face held a genuine expression of sympathy, and her owl-like eyes regarded Avery with a feather-soft tenderness.

“You’ve been carrying a ton of weight on your shoulders, my dear,” Dr. Swann said soothingly. “You felt like you couldn’t tell your mom because you were scared she would be disappointed or angry or that she would hate you for thinking of ‘leaving’ her, too? That she would do something awful to you?”

Avery nodded, the tears streaming down her face, the dam in her heart splitting open.

“Well, I can tell you something I know for sure, Avery,” Dr. Swann said, squeezing Avery’s knee. “Your mother absolutely loves you. She brought you here out of desperation, because she doesn’t want to lose you, but she also doesn’t want to see you hurt. She may seem like she’s angry, but in truth, she’s scared. She’s both scared that she’ll lose her daughter just as she lost her husband, and she’s scared that she isn’t doing enough to help you for you to feel this way. Mothers want to fix their children’s problems. They wish they had a magic wand that they could wave and make all of the pain disappear. They know that they can’t, but that doesn’t mean they won’t stop trying their best to help their children. That shows true love. It may not feel like it, especially if your mom didn’t react to your explanation as you hoped and may have hurt you in getting you here, but please know she wouldn’t ever harm you.”

Dr. Swann’s calming voice surrounded Avery like a mother hen covering her chicks with her wings, and she felt at peace.

“Now, I do have a question,” Dr. Swann asked with a serious tone. “You mentioned having a knife. Have you self-harmed?”

Avery shook her head, her russet hair tossing about her shoulders.

“No, I didn’t,” Avery said earnestly. “I was too scared.”

“I believe you, but for the purpose of safety and assessing your well-being, may I please check your arms?” Dr. Swann asked.

“Yes,” Avery replied, placing her horse on the chair beside her and rolling up her sleeves.

Dr. Swann gently took each of her wrists, one at a time, and checked her arms, rotating them and scanning the soft, pale skin, looking for fresh cuts or scars.

“Well, it seems you are clear,” Dr. Swann stated, releasing Avery’s right arm and making a note on the computer. “I’m very proud of you. Many use self-harm as a different method of release when struggling with depression, self-hatred, or suicidal thoughts. Thank you for letting me check,” Dr. Swann explained, smiling at Avery. “Was there anything else you wanted to tell me? What did you do with the letters, knife, and pills?”

Avery pulled her sleeves back down and thought, picking her horse back up and hugging her.

“I gave them all to my best friend, Chase. He took them for me, and I’m not sure what he was going to do with them, but I trust him. He was actually going to tell my mom about all I just told you, but I begged him to let me tell her myself. I’ve tried really hard to be more brave, and to do things on my own. I don’t want to kill myself. I really want to be better. He made me believe that when he took me out on Sunday…it was my birthday. I blew up at him on Friday, and then we didn’t speak until Sunday because I just…I didn’t know what to say,” Avery murmured, twirling a piece of her hair around her index finger. “I was so scared he would hate me. But then we made up, and he took me on this amazing adventure…I got a tattoo, and we got milkshakes, and then we talked in the park. I…I opened up to him. He told me how important it was for us to be honest with each other and those we love, so I chose to be honest with him. I showed him the box, and he stayed the night with me in my living room…we made a pillow fort. And then he took the box with him, and I was going to muster up the courage to talk to my mom, which I wanted to do today…and I did. And she didn’t take it well.”

Avery looked up, her eyes somber, dropping her hand from her hair back into her lap. Dr. Swann once again patted her knee, a genuine smile adorning her face.

“Well, I for one can say that you are showing immense bravery in being so honest,” Dr. Swann said. “And I’m glad you no longer have those items in your possession. Your friend sounds like an amazing person. What did he say when you showed him?” Dr. Swann’s head slightly cocked with her question, reminding Avery of Chase’s little quirk. He too would tilt his head a little to one side like an inquisitive bird when asking a question. His face came to her mind, and she felt even more at peace.  

“He…he didn’t say anything, other than he would stay with me. I think he was in shock. But…he didn’t react badly. He was calm, and he did his best to help me, to make me feel safe. I don’t know what he did with the box yet, but I’ll find out. But…Dr. Swann,” Avery said, her voice shaking. “I don’t want to kill myself. I promise. I swear I don’t. I want to get better, I want to live for my mom, and for Chase, and for whatever is in store for me. I want to carry on for my dad, and maybe…maybe one day I can help other people,” Avery finished quietly.

“You are already making progress on the path to acceptance and healing, which is incredibly important and fantastic to see,” Dr. Swann said, once again typing up some notes. “And I have no doubt that you, like many others with bipolar disorder and similar illnesses, can use your story to benefit others in their own recovery. You will get there in time, and you’re already well on your way.” Dr. Swann finished typing and turned her eyes back to Avery, smiling and folding her hands on her lap. “The assessment is complete.”

Avery relaxed a bit in her chair, her grip on her horse loosening.

“So...do I need to stay?” Avery asked worriedly. She hated hospitals, and despite how welcoming Dr. Swann was, she still felt like she was being sentenced to prison. 

“You don’t. Based on what you have told me, there is not a need for you to stay here. The fact you are seeing a counselor, that you opened up to both your mom and best friend about your plan and methods, that you have not caused injury to yourself or others, and that you have earnestly stated your desire to continue working on overcoming all of what you are going through, you do not meet the requirements to stay as a patient,” Dr. Swann explained with an even tone, glancing occasionally at her notes. “You are articulate on your own, without the need of a parent or guardian to make medical decisions for you, and thus I do not see the need for you to stay. Do you plan on speaking with your counselor regarding your suicidal thoughts and the plan that you did have?” Dr. Swann asked. 

“I do,” Avery said firmly, feeling complete relief that she wouldn’t need to stay. “And I will. I promise.”

“Good,” Dr. Swann replied with a smile, making a few final notes on the computer before clicking out of the file and signing off. “Then I am happy to report that you are free to go. I’ll come back out with you and speak with your mom briefly.”

“Is it okay if I use the restroom really quickly?” Avery asked, an idea popping into her head. “Can I leave my horse with you?”

“Certainly,” Dr. Swann replied, taking the stuffed animal from Avery with a tender expression. “The restroom is just down the hall on the left. You’ll see the sign.”

“Thank you,” Avery replied gratefully and stood to go.

“What’s your horse’s name?” Dr. Swann inquired, stroking its mane and looking up at Avery.

“Bluebell,” Avery answered with a shy smile. “When I was little, I always dreamed of owning a paint horse someday and naming her Bluebell. My mom bought her for me when I was ten.”

“How sweet,” the doctor said, waving Bluebell’s arms up and down. “I’ll wait here until you come back,” she finished, gesturing Avery to the door with a graceful wave.

Avery exited the small office and located the restroom, slipping inside and locking the stall door behind her. She sighed deeply, leaning against the door, and tried to calm down. She wasn’t looking forward to going back out to her mom. She quickly slipped her phone out of the waistband of her jeans. She had hidden it there instead of her pocket so her mom wouldn’t think to take it from her. She pressed the home button and the screen lit up: it was past noon at this point. She knew Chase normally took his break around one, but sometimes it could be later if it was busy at the coffee shop. She unlocked her phone and quickly tapped out a message to Chase. 

My mom didn’t react like I hoped.

That was all she could think of to say at that moment. Her mind was buzzing with the events of the day, and her conversation with Dr. Swann. She nearly cried with joy as she fully realized she wouldn’t have to stay at the hospital. She slipped her phone back into her jeans, this time in the front pocket, and left the bathroom, walking back to the office.

“Welcome back,” Dr. Swann said pleasantly, handing Bluebell back to Avery. “She’s a very well-behaved horse,” she said with a playful smile. 

Avery laughed lightly and hugged Bluebell to her chest, and followed Dr. Swann out back to the waiting room. Avery took a deep breath as she exited the metal door and saw her mom, still sitting in the chair with her daughter’s backpack at her feet. 

“Ms. Nicholson, may I have a word with you?” Dr. Swann asked gently, gesturing for Marie to follow her a little ways away. 

Avery sat down and watched as Dr. Swann spoke quietly to her mother, and Marie’s face twisted in what looked like annoyance. She gestured angrily and appeared agitated, her movements swift and her body stiff. Dr. Swann nodded and continued to speak, and eventually, Marie appeared to give up, her shoulders slumping down. She looked defeated, exhausted, and distant. Dr. Swann nodded once more with an empathetic smile before approaching the receptionist and speaking briefly with her. The receptionist nodded as she looked at her computer, reviewing the notes that Dr. Swann had compiled from her conversation with Avery. Dr. Swann and Marie then approached Avery. 

“You are good to go, Avery,” Dr. Swann stated, her serene expression once again on her face. “If you ever feel like you need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact me,” she said, handing Avery a card with her information on it. Avery took it, glancing at it briefly.

It was a sleek, silver-gray business card with Dr. Angela Swann, Psychiatrist & Inpatient Mental Health Counselor written across it in simple lettering. Her phone number and email were also listed. 

“Thank you for your honesty with me, and Ms. Nicholson, thank you for bringing Avery here today. I am certain she will continue to exhibit excellent growth moving forward, and I am happy to know she has already shown she is wanting to do so,” Dr. Swann smiled at them both. “Have a great rest of your day.”

“Thank you, Dr. Swann,” Marie mumbled, picking Avery’s backpack up and waiting for her daughter. 

Avery stood with Bluebell, still feeling hesitant to be near her mom, uncertain of her next move.

“I’ll reach out if I need to. You were wonderful, thank you so much,” Avery said to Dr. Swann, a genuine smile on her face as she followed her mom through the sliding doors.

“It was a pleasure, take care Avery,” Dr. Swann replied, waving as Avery departed through the doors, which silently shut behind her. 

…..

Avery and Marie drove home in silence, both processing the morning’s conversation as well as what Dr. Swann had told them each individually. They finally pulled into their driveway and Marie parked the car, wordlessly slipping out and shutting the door behind her. Avery followed with her backpack and Bluebell in tow, and stepped into the house behind her mom. 

Marie set her keys and purse on the kitchen counter before moving to clean up the plates from the table, along with the abandoned pancakes, bacon, and coffee. She began to fill the sink with warm water and mindlessly went about scraping the food into the trash and washing the dishes, setting them up in the drying rack. Avery stood uncomfortably, watching her mom, uncertain of what to say or do. She went up to her room and deposited her bag and horse on her bed, and came back down to the kitchen, where her mother was putting the untouched bacon and pancakes into containers to stow in the fridge. 

“M-...Mom?” Avery stammered. 

“What?” her mom replied, her voice cold. 

“Um...can we talk?” Avery asked, her heart breaking at her mom’s tone. 

“About?” Marie said shortly. 

“Mom, I thought...I thought you would be proud of me,” Avery whispered, tears filling her eyes. “I thought I could be honest with you, and that...you would be happy that I told you and didn’t keep it a secret.”

“But you did keep it a secret. You hid this from me for weeks. Could you not come to me immediately? Why did you hide it at all?” her mother asked, her voice distant and her eyes dull. “Do you not trust me?”

“Mom, of course I do,” Avery replied, her chest full of a stabbing pain. “I just...I felt like I couldn’t speak or tell or….I felt silenced. The depression, the thoughts, the anxiety...I felt like I was trapped. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t even tell Chase. I just-”

“But you did tell him. You told him before you even told me.” Marie stared at the fridge door, her eyes resting on a picture of her and Rory on her wedding day, held up by a magnet of Avery as a baby. 

“It just happened that way, I didn’t plan it, and I was going to tell you as soon as I could-”

“And Chase didn’t tell me immediately, either,” Marie interrupted, her own eyes beginning to fill with tears. “I thought I could trust him.”

“Didn’t he call you right after I yelled at him that day?” Avery said, beginning to feel a pinprick of anger. “He reached out to you and told you all he knew immediately. And he didn’t tell you what I said right away because you were asleep, and then you were at work, and I told him that I wanted to tell you myself. You can’t be mad at him, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Oh, I can be mad. And disappointed. He put you at risk by not telling me about this, and I don’t care where I was, sleeping or at work. He should have woken me up, or just told me on the phone. I should have made him. I just...I told him he could talk to me later. I had no idea it was so serious that you told him you were thinking of ending your own life, and then him taking the means to do so from you. He’s had them this entire time, and didn’t think it was crucial to tell me as soon as possible? He just remained silent so you could tell me in your own time?” Marie’s voice began to rise, a rage building in her body. “And what if you hadn’t told me? What if you had gotten too scared or depressed again and stayed silent? You just said yourself that you couldn’t tell me because you felt so far gone. So what if it got bad again and you ended up killing yourself? I would be left here with a million questions and Chase, who probably would have never told me that he knew and then never said anything because you asked him not to. How irresponsible can he be?”

“You have no right to blame Chase for this,” Avery replied, the small biting anger in her chest beginning to turn into fury. “I did my best, mom. I tried so hard, I’ve been fighting this for years, and now you’re telling me my own best friend put me in danger after he’s been helping me more than you ever have?”

Avery stopped short in her words, realizing what she just said. 

Marie’s eyes widened and her mouth opened. She looked as if she had just been shot.

“What did you just say?” she whispered. 

“I didn’t mean-” Avery tried to backtrack. 

“You really think I haven’t been trying to help, Avery?” Marie asked as tears began to flow down her face. “All these years, ever since finding out you had bipolar, too? How strong I’ve been trying to be since Rory’s death, both for you and for myself? How I had to fight through finding out that you inherited the very thing that killed him? I’ve only wanted the best for you. I got you a counselor, I’ve tried to give you space, to not be too controlling or pushy. Have I not done enough?” 

“Bipolar disorder didn’t kill him, mom, it only was a factor,” Avery said quietly. “I know how he was raised, and that is what kept him silent and made the pain so great, on top of the symptoms.” 

“So you’re saying that you knew your father?” Marie asked.

The room went dead silent.

Avery stared at her mother in pure horror. 

“You knew all about what he suffered?” Marie whispered. “You watched as he wasted away, as his job sucked the life from him, as he drank himself to sleep? You found all of the hidden bottles, you were told all of the excuses of why he had to stay at work late, you cried every day as this illness made him into a completely different person? 

“How can you say something like that?” Avery sobbed, her heart splitting in two. 

“Because he was my husband, Avery. Because I’m trying to show you how much I have suffered, and how much I loved him, and how much it killed me when he killed himself. How much I have sacrificed to do my best to protect you, only for you to have the illness that made your father into someone I barely recognized.” Marie looked at her daughter, though she really didn’t see her. It was like she was looking through her. 

“So are you saying he was a bad person?” Avery screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Are you saying he was a monster?”

“No. I’m not. He was one of the best human beings to ever grace this planet. He gave me one of the most beautiful gifts: you. I lost him, and I’m not going to lose you,” Marie responded. She sounded despondent, almost lifeless. 

Avery nearly collapsed to her knees as the weight of her mother’s words slammed down onto her heart and soul. 

“Chase isn’t a bad person either. He made a mistake. He put you in danger. He didn’t protect you. I couldn’t protect you, either,” Marie murmured. 

“But I’m still here!” Avery cried, throwing her hands out in anger. “I didn’t leave you, mom. I never wanted that, it’s not me! I’m not my illness, mom! I swear, I want to get better. Dr. Swann said she could see it, that she believed I can heal. Why can’t you?” Avery choked out through her tears. 

Marie turned, grabbing her keys and purse, and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Avery asked, following after her mom. 

“I need to clear my head,” her mother stated simply. She put her hand on the doorknob and began to twist it before Avery laid her hand on her mom’s, stopping her.

“Please don’t go,” Avery pleaded, her eyes full of tears and fear. 

“I’ll be back to finish this conversation. But for now, I need to be alone,” her mother replied. 

And then she was gone.

Avery stared at the space her mother had just been standing, the front door shut. She heard her mom start her car and pull out of the driveway.

And then there was silence. 

…..

Avery screamed into her pillow in agony. She felt like the knife she had hidden under her bed was now twisting in her heart and causing shockwaves of pain, when in reality it was her mother’s words sending pulsating agony throughout her body.

Her hopes were shattered. Her mother’s response was nothing like she had imagined it would be. She wasn’t even sure if she had hoped right - if she had done what Chase had told her correctly. She felt that if she had, it wouldn’t hurt so much as it did right then. 

She tugged her phone out, blinking away the tears. There was no message from Chase.

She unlocked her phone and opened her texts, and her heart dropped when she realized her message had failed to send. The service must have been spotty at the hospital.

She sent it again, knowing he would soon be off of work at this point - it was almost five. The day had passed in a blur, the events almost hazy. 

She wasn’t sure how much longer she laid there before her phone went off. 

Chase.

Are you okay?

She texted him back and told him that her mom had taken her to the hospital, that she was alone, and that she needed him. He said he would be over without hesitation. 

Time once again ticked by, sparing Avery by mercifully speeding past, and soon she heard knocking at her door. 

She flew from her bed and scrambled down the stairs, throwing the door open and jumping into Chase, her red hair flying. She thudded into his firm stature, beginning to sob once more.

“You’re here, oh my God, you’re here,” she cried, hugging him as tightly as she could. 

“What happened? Tell me,” he asked, making her look into his eyes. She felt immense relief as she took in his silver-blues, feeling washed over with comfort, though she felt a slight touch of unease at the severity on his face. He was finally here with her. 

“She…she just flipped,” she managed to whisper. “She was so angry when I told her everything, and she made me pack a bag and drove me to the hospital. She demanded they take me in, but I met this doctor and she talked to me alone and she said I didn't need to stay there. She said I was fine, and that she believed I was well enough to go home, and that I would get better. So we left. We got home and she was silent until I tried to talk to her and she...it was awful, Chase. Then she said she needed to be alone. I…I don’t know where she went.”

She pressed harder into him, feeling his heartbeat against her cheek. 

“I was so scared. She was so angry. She said horrible things,” she murmured, feeling her body shake with the release of her anxiety. 

“Like what?” Chase asked gently, returning her tight hug, rubbing her back softly.

“She...she said she's furious with you, that you put me in danger,” Avery wailed. “She said how much she had to fight to keep me safe, and she felt like you jeopardized that, and she brought up my dad, and it hurt, Chase, it hurt so much.” 

She felt Chase’s heart almost stutter in his chest. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke. 

“It's okay, I'm here,” he murmured, giving her another squeeze before releasing her. “Let’s go inside. I’ll call her.”

Avery felt terror bite into her heart. 

“Why?” she breathed, looking up at Chase, her eyes wide with panic. 

“Because she needs to hear my side. You did your part, and now she needs to know what I do so she believes what you told her. That you’re okay,” Chase said before spinning her around and guiding her into the house. 

He closed the door and took her hand. It was soft and firm and made her feel anchored. He led her to the couch and she sat down, picking up a pillow to hold as he dialed her mom, standing beside her as he waited to see if Marie would answer. 

She did.

He spoke with her briefly, asking her where she was, if she could come back to talk. Avery could hear the angry voice of her mother on the other side, and she cringed. 

Avery watched him from the couch quietly. Chase kept his face composed as he talked and listened, his eyes fixed straight ahead, his free hand in the front pocket of his jeans. 

“I’ll see you when you get here,” he said, taking the phone from his ear and ending the call. 

He sat down beside her, a soft smile on his face, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“She’s coming now,” he said, pulling her into him for another hug. “It’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

“You promise?” she whimpered, laying her head on his chest once more. 

She felt him nod, his chin resting on her head.

“I do. I got you, Ave,” he said soothingly. 

She hugged him back, curling up and tucking her knees into her chest, nearly disappearing inside of his arms. 

It felt like he was holding her together. 

She felt safe. 

(To be continued...)

♥

Image source: from the manga Shortcake Cake by Morishita Suu