All My Heart ♥

I refused to let the feelings that were soaking into my brain and trying to drip into my bloodstream to steal my happiness. 

I had woken up entangled in my sheets with a slight headache, courtesy of the wine I had drunk the day before. Along with the pain in my head came the twisting sensation of depression and anxiety stabbing through my body.

I had sat up with a loud gasp, my heart beating wildly and my skin covered in a sheen screen of sweat. The only thing that had brought me back down to earth was recalling all that had happened last night.

I had kissed Chase.

He had kissed me back.

And he had told me he loved me.

I let out a deep sigh, trying to expel the suffocating cloud of panic from my chest, and haphazardly exited my bed, clawing my clothes off and practically throwing myself into the shower. I stood under the warm stream of water and let it rinse away the sticky fear from my body, and I inhaled the steam, feeling it fill my lungs and dispel the thick thunderclouds of my dark thoughts.

The whispers of my self-hatred, the belief I was worthless, and the images of ending my life began to hiss and slither away back into the dark corners of my mind. I willed the sunshine of Chase’s smile to fill the space instead, and I replayed his kisses and words over and over in my mind.

But truth be told about what I feel, fully open and honest, I love you, Avery.

I grinned to myself, feeling a tingle swell over my body as my heart fluttered. 

I had to get to him as fast as I could. I didn’t want to be alone.

I exited the shower and quickly dried my body, moving to dry my hair, brush my teeth, and even put a bit of makeup on. I blasted my favorite music on my phone and danced around a bit, trying to shake off the remaining tendrils of depression that coiled around my heart and mind.

It’s going to be a good day, I told myself as I put on a brave face and stared myself down in the mirror.

I quickly threw on some clothes: my favorite blue jeans, light green sweater, and my classic beat-up Converse. I snatched up my wallet, keys, and backpack and bounced down the stairs, my hair flying behind me as I swung into my car and pulled out of the driveway.

Even though I was driving down my too-familiar street, it felt like I was in a whole new world. The axis had tilted and introduced a new reality: Chase and I were now openly in love with each other. I wanted to say he was my boyfriend, but we hadn’t even gotten past the base of calling one another anything other than our names.

I drove past the park where we had seen the monarch butterfly and had sat on the swings under the stars. That all seemed like it had both happened centuries ago and just yesterday. It felt so surreal.

I continued my drive, wondering what I would do once I got to the coffee shop. I felt a deep desire to rush in and kiss him as fast as I could, but I knew Christina would be there, if not Jade as well. It was around 11 now and considering that spring break was over, I was guessing the coffeeshop would be busier today, which means Jade would be there.

I pulled into the Rejavanate parking lot and swung into a spot, quickly exiting my car and grabbing my backpack. If Chase wasn’t alone, I would have to wait around to be able to talk to him, and I had brought my laptop, journal, and a book to read just to keep myself looking busy and unbothered. I didn’t want to attract attention to myself.

I sped-walked up to the doors and quickly peeked in: I could see both Christina and Jade behind the counter, but not Chase. I let out a small sigh and fixed my face with a smile and entered the shop, trying to look relaxed.

Christina was at the register and Jade had her back to me since she was scooping ice into a cup. Christina’s dark eyes lit up when she saw me, and she broke into a smile.

“Is that my darling Avery I see?” she crowed, causing a few customers to glance up at me. I felt a light, warm blush rise to my cheeks and quickly made my way up to the register to shake off their stares.

“Hi Christina,” I said, all of my nerves alight. I was genuinely smiling, but more because I could see the dark waves of Chase’s hair through one of the small windows on the double doors that led to the back kitchen area.

Jade turned slightly, noticing me now. I felt a light flicker of shock because she was smiling at me, her green eyes kind. Jade looked really beautiful when she smiled.

“Hi, Avery,” she said, her voice lilting. “What’s up? You’re here early.”

It was true, I usually wouldn’t come until past noon, but I just couldn’t wait to see him. I tried to play it off.

“I couldn’t sleep last night and I just figured I should get up and get my day going,” I said breezily. “I wanted to just hang out and relax, and I didn’t want to be home alone. It was too quiet.”

I noticed Christina was staring at me intently, and I felt jittery underneath her gaze. Christina was deeply skilled in the art of detecting BS, and I wondered if she could already tell something was up since seeing Chase earlier this morning. I was curious if he had seemed different, and if Christina could tell things had shifted between us.

An amicable smile overcame her face, and she glanced down at the register.

“What were you wanting today, love?” she asked, a slight knowing tone in her voice.

Crap, she’s good, I thought to myself. Chase probably blew our cover a bit. I could picture him practically floating into work this morning, a dopey smile on his face. But then again, he could hide his emotions really well. Maybe I was just imagining things.

“You know what? I’m actually in the mood for a hot mocha today,” I said, smiling back.

Christina stooped down and came back up with my monarch butterfly mug in her hand, a grin on her face.

“Yay, you get to use your mug today then!” she said excitedly, passing it off to Jade and tapping a few keys on the register.

I pulled my wallet out and paid, and Jade set to work on preparing to make my drink. I noticed she briefly glanced at the mug, turning it over in her hand before setting it down on the counter. 

“You want oat milk, right?” she asked, arching a brow at me, whisking her shining black ponytail behind her shoulder.

“Please,” I replied, still amazed at Jade’s shift in attitude towards me. There wasn’t a hint of her usual dismissiveness or animosity, though she still seemed stand-offish. 

“Awesome!” she nodded, her smile returning as she poured oat milk into a steamer cup. “I’ll let you know when it’s ready,” she said, prepping the espresso. 

“Thank you,” I said, slipping away from the counter and to my little corner of the shop. I placed my backpack on the seat and rummaged through it, setting up my laptop to do pretend work and pulling out my journal and pens.

I distracted myself for a little while by writing random words on an empty page until suddenly my mug appeared by my arm.

I looked up and was greeted by an elvish grin, his face framed by his black waves and his silver-blue eyes gleaming.

“Hi Ave,” he said lowly, his voice washing over me.

“Hi,” I whispered back, taking in his handsome face.

“Whatcha up to?” he asked casually, glancing down at my journal.

I instinctively went to cover it with my arm and felt a hot embarrassment grace my cheeks. There was literally nothing but gibberish on the page, and I didn’t really have anything to work on. I knew that he knew that.

“Uh, nothing,” I said shyly, and he chuckled, looking at me with a tender expression. 

He was looking at me with love in his eyes. 

It felt strange.

“When’s your break?” I asked suddenly, feeling overcome by the desire to kiss him.

“Now,” he said, glancing at me and then to the back door.

I practically scrambled to my feet and followed him as nonchalantly as I could.

The second we were through the door, he was kissing me and I was giggling against his lips, my heart beating wildly. 

In that moment, I didn’t care if Jade or Christina came through the double doors and saw us. We kissed eagerly and giggled, trying to stay quiet, Chase ducking low so we couldn’t be seen through the little windows. 

“I missed this,” he said between kisses and I let out a quiet laugh, feeling overwhelmed with joy. 

My typical self settled in, and I gently pulled away and put a finger to my lips. 

“We can’t get caught,” I said, glancing at the doors. “I don’t want them to find out like this.”

“I know, I know,” he said, his trademark mischievous grin on his face. “But it feels kind of...badass. Like we're undercover agents.” He looked from left to right quickly, as if he were checking for any assassins in the shadows. 

 
This time I laughed out loud, and then quickly covered my mouth, feeling my eyes grow wide.

Chase laughed himself and tossed his head, his waves shifting. 

“It’s fine, Ave, I can see them,” he said, peeping through the left window. “They’re both busy right now.”

He then turned back to me and stole one more kiss before sighing lightly. 

“I just want to tell them now,” he said, and I felt a sudden bubble of fear rise up in my chest. 

“But don’t worry, I’m not going to,” he immediately said, gently taking my hand and giving it an assuring squeeze. “We’ll figure it out.”

I attempted a smile, now feeling nervous. I must have still looked worried because he lifted my hand above my head and gently spun me around like a ballerina. I giggled and ended my twirl against him as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. 

“It still doesn’t feel real. You and me like this,” I whispered as he let me go, hearing a sudden shift outside the doors. 

“I know,” he agreed, quickly looking out the window again. “And about that, I have to ask you something after work. Are you sticking around?” he asked, turning his attention back to me. 

“Of course,” I said, a sudden prick of anxiety touching my heart. “Ask me something?”

“Don’t worry, it’s not bad,” he said, a gentle smile on his lips. “But Jade’s coming,” he admonished, turning towards the sink to look busy. 

The right door opened as Jade pushed her way through, and she momentarily paused, taking us both in.

 
“Oh, uh, hey,” she said a bit awkwardly, looking between the two of us. 

“Hey!” Chase piped up suddenly, scrubbing a plate vigorously and putting it under the faucet to rinse it off. “I was just finishing these dishes up and then I was gonna sit with Ave for a bit. I asked her to come keep me company while I finished.”

“Oh, cool,” Jade said, looking a bit confused at Chase’s explanation. She turned her attention to me. “Hey, is it cool if we talk after work?”

I noticed Chase freeze as he dried the plate, his back straight and rigid. He carried on, trying to look like he wasn’t listening. 

“Uh, sure!” I said, smiling at Jade. “Do you get off at 5 today?” 

“No, I get off in about an hour,” she said, glancing at the clock on the wall, which indicated that the time was noon. “I have somewhere I need to be, but I’ll have a little time to talk if you’re available.”

“Of course!” I replied, trying to sound cheery. 

She smiled and then turned her attention to Chase. 

“I can finish those up boss, go ahead and take your break,” she said, sidling up to the sink and edging Chase out a bit. 

“Yeah, thanks!” he said, a little too loudly. He placed the freshly dried plate on a stack and got out of the way as Jade took up the task of washing the rest of the dishes. 

He scooted out the back door with me again, and we returned to my seat, my mocha no longer steaming. 

I sat down and then scooted in towards the corner so Chase could sit beside me, and I took up my mug, sipping the top foamy layer into my mouth, enjoying the sweet taste. 

“Do you want me to remake that?” he asked, tapping the butterfly on the mug. “Is it still warm?”

“It’s just fine,” I said, smiling gently at him. 

He returned my smile and then let out a breath, leaning back against the wall and relaxing. 

“I guess Christina and Jade got the chance to talk, and it went well,” he said, looking pleased. “I figured Jade would eventually want to talk to you, too. She told us she had to leave around 1 today, and I figured you wouldn’t come in until around then, but you’re here early,” he said, looking at me with an inquisitive smile. “What’s up?”

I shifted slightly, looking down into my mug. 

“I, uh, I just…I woke up earlier than I expected,” I said. “I felt kind of depressed, and I didn’t want to be alone, so I thought I would come over as soon as I could. I wanted to see you.”

I looked up at him, feeling shy, and he looked like he was about to reach out and ruffle my hair, but he stopped himself, remembering we were in a public space. 

“I wanted to see you, too,” he replied, his eyes soft. “I almost took work off just so I could come over and spend today with you, but I knew that might raise eyebrows. Trust me, Christina’s radar is as sharp as ever.” 

We both glanced over at the register, where Christina was laughing as she took a customer’s order.
Chase looked back at me. 

“How are you feeling? You were pretty tipsy last night,” he said, grinning devilishly. 

“I’m just fine, thank you very much,” I said primly, sipping my mocha once more. “I have no clue what you are talking about.”

He let out a low laugh and shook his head, smiling. 

“You're too much, Ave.”

“Oh, look who's talking,” I quipped back, giggling. 

We sat for a little while longer, shooting our usual banter back and forth. Save for the kissing, it felt like almost nothing had changed between us, and I felt immense relief at that. I had wanted nothing to be different between us when I had finally told him I loved him. I had been so scared it would ruin everything, but here we were. I was so beyond thankful. 

He glanced at this watch and then sighed, sounding a bit disappointed. 

“Well, I have to get back to work, but let me know how it goes with Jade,” he said, scooting off of the seat and standing, looking down at me tenderly. “I’ll see you after work.”

“You’ll be seeing me sit here, silly,” I grinned. “I’m not going far.”

“Thank goodness for that,” he said with a smile as he turned and pushed his way into the back once more. 

The way he uttered those words made my heart melt. 

 
I desperately wanted to know what he wanted to ask me, but knowing Chase, he wouldn’t budge if I pressed him. I could tell he had some sort of plan, and I was excited to know what it was. But for now, I would be talking to Jade in just a little while, and I began to steel myself for that as another wave of anxiety crashed on the shore of my mind. 

I breathed deeply, taking another sip of my mocha, and savored the sweetness on my tongue.

It’s gonna be okay, I thought to myself as I picked up my pen once more to write out my thoughts. Soon I’ll get to kiss him again.

That was all my heart needed to hear. 

I felt at peace.

♥

Image source: Shireba Shiruhodo by Arai Haruna