Really Real ♥ (Part 2 to All My Heart)

I sat and sipped at my mocha, trying to keep my nerves calm as I replayed my little encounter with Chase. I had almost jumped out of my skin when he said Jade was coming in, but he had acted so fast in getting to the sink and pretending he had been finishing up the dishes, acting like everything was normal. I was pretty impressed.

I hadn’t really expected Jade to ask me to talk with her today, but I once again refused to feel scared. I wanted this to go well. I was happy that she and Christina had talked and worked things out, and I wondered if Chase had talked with her as well. He hadn’t told me anything, but then again, things had been kind of crazy lately.

I finished off my mocha and set my mug aside, and began writing out some potential scenarios of what might happen between Jade and me, from the good to the bad and to the ugly. It helped me feel calmer, even though my deep-set fears were acting up, knocking at the trapdoor of my mind and trying to fall through to center-stage. I really didn’t want to blow this. 

Soon it was one o’clock, and I saw Jade counting out her tips and wiping the counters, ready to end her shift and take off. I sat against the wall and tried to look like I was busy reading my book when in reality I was just skimming the same sentence over and over. 

I then felt a presence at my side and looked up, and there stood Jade, her black backpack slung over her shoulder. She smiled at me. 

“Hey, I’m heading out now. You still up to talk?” she asked, slightly tilting her head. 

“Yeah!” I chirped, almost too cheerily. I put my book aside and stood, following her out of the front doors of the shop. I glanced to my left as I went and saw Christina watching us both like she was a panther about to pounce and Chase trying to look unconcerned behind the espresso machine. One certainly had more tact than the other, but I know Christina didn’t care about tact. She cared about justice, kicking butt, and taking names. 

I followed Jade out and joined her in front of the shop. I suddenly felt a bit self-conscious beside her. She truly was tiny. Not fragile, but definitely small. 

She pointed across the parking lot to the grassy lawn.

“You wanna go sit over there?” Jade asked, looking up at me.

“Sure!” I replied, still sounding too perky. That was definitely my nerves kicking in. I was trying to appear and feel relaxed around someone I didn’t know, which was dumb. Another coping mechanism. 

We crossed the asphalt in silence, her a few steps ahead of me. I think I was purposely going slower because she took smaller steps than I did. I had always walked really fast. I admired the silver studs in her ears and counted to myself. She had a total of nine: five piercings in one ear and four in the other. They really suited her, and they sparkled in the sunlight, making it look as if a fairy had dusted the space around her head with pixie dust. She was quiet, and I wondered if she was anxious about this conversation, too. 

We stepped onto the grass and walked a little way up the hillside before Jade stopped, put her backpack on the ground, and sat down, crossing her legs and bringing her little black boots up under her knees. I sat down in front of her and mimicked her stance as I crossed my own legs. I immediately felt uncomfortable since my legs were much more gangly than hers, and I could feel my circulation had already slowed. I instead brought my knees to my chest and lightly hugged them. It made me feel more secure.

She let out a small sigh and began to toy with a ring she had on her thumb, a simple black band, twisting it around in circles. She regarded me once more with a smile, this one a bit more cautious in nature.

And then she spoke. 

“So...I know this is really late, but I wanted to apologize for blowing up at you that day,” Jade started, briefly reaching up to pull her hair out of its ponytail. It cascaded down her shoulders, and she began to twirl a strand around her fingers. It seemed to calm her a bit, and she continued. “It was totally out of line, and I feel really grossed out by myself. I didn’t mean those things that I said. About you playing victim, and everyone pitying you. I was really nasty to you. Can you forgive me?” 

She looked like she was fighting to maintain eye contact with me, and I could tell she was trying to keep her bottom lip from trembling. I didn’t know Jade well at all, and it was occurring to me that she wasn’t all sass and hard tuned spunk: she was soft, small, and even seemed shy. I had secretly always admired her looks: she was a punk rock vibe that made her appear confident and self-assured, but I know looks usually were only skin-deep. She regarded me with her deep blue eyes, searching my face as I shook myself back to reality to answer.

“Jade, I forgave you nearly instantly after it happened,” I replied, trying to smile reassuringly. “I thought maybe you had a bad day, and I didn’t know you felt frustrated towards me. I thought maybe you were upset you had to cover Chase on such short notice because he had been with me, which I know he told you. I felt bad about that. So please know I forgive you, but I also wanted to ask…why do you feel that way about me? I know you’re saying you didn’t mean it, but it obviously has been on your mind. You mentioned the victim thing, but also that I can be reliant and helpless…and that Chase and I should drop our act.” 

Jade looked ashamed and twisted her ring harder, looking down to the grass in front of her. 

“Yeah, about that…so, I don’t know if Chase told you, but he and I did talk. It wasn’t bad, I swear I didn’t say anything bad about you, and I apologized to him, too, for hurting you,” she suddenly sped up, nearly babbling. She was nervous.

“No, no, it’s okay,” I said, lightly waving my hands. “It’s totally okay. He hadn’t told me you guys talked, but that’s just because things have been kind of insane for me lately. It just never got brought up. That’s how unworried I’ve been about it,” I said, smiling. “I don’t hold any ill feelings towards you.”

She looked relieved and continued.

“So, I told Chase that…I’ve always been jealous of you. You get so much support, and everyone really seems to love you. Chase, Christina, the rest of the team…I always kind of felt like an outsider, so seeing you get so much attention made it feel worse, and it distorted my view of you. But I didn’t know you well, so it wasn’t fair of me to assume things about you. I also saw how you and Chase interacted, and I was jealous of that, too. I…I’ve had some things happen to me in the past, and there’s some stuff going on right now, and it’s been really hard on me. I told Chase that I’m not normally like that, and he told me you were going through a lot, too. He didn’t mention anything specific, though. And I confessed to him about how I felt about you, and just…” Jade trailed off. 

Christina’s words came echoing back into my mind.

I always could tell she had a thing for Chase. 

“Jade, can I tell you something?” I asked, my heart beating hard. 

Jade looked up at me, her expression hard to read. 

I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat. 

“Well…I just wanted to tell you that Chase and I…we’re kind of a thing now.”

Jade blinked. 

I swallowed hard.

I braced myself for anger, accusations, or an attack. 

But nothing came except Jade’s blue eyes crinkling in the corners.

She was smiling. 

A soft, small smile.

“That’s good, I’m happy for you two,” Jade said, her voice free from any hint of anger or jealousy or pain. 

“Wait, really?” I blurted. “I…I thought you liked him.”

“I know I didn’t hide that as well as I thought, huh?” she sighed lightly. “I knew I sucked at acting.”

“No! I mean, uh…Christina was the one who said she knew you felt that way towards Chase,” I quickly said, not wanting her to feel awkward.

“Is there anything she doesn’t know?” Jade groaned, momentarily putting her head in her hands. “She’s scary as hell.”

I suddenly laughed out loud, and it startled both Jade and me. She giggled nervously, and I laughed again, smiling and shaking my head.

“Nothing gets past Christina, that’s for sure. I’m sure she already knows there’s something different between Chase and me,” I sighed, looking embarrassed. “It happened so suddenly. I’m still trying to process it all.”

Jade smiled softly, her eyes once again dropping down to the ground. She shifted slightly and then sighed deeply.

“Look, Avery, can I be real with you? Like, really real?”

The sudden shift in her tone and the air around her made me freeze. 

She was serious. 

“Yeah, of course, if you’re comfortable,” I said, settling back and listening. 

Jade shifted once more, this time pulling her own knees to her chest. She tucked in on herself. She looked a lot like me when I was scared.

“So…I had a boyfriend who looked a lot like Chase. Not exactly, of course, we both know Chase is kind of in his own league,” she grinned at me and rolled her eyes. “But…my boyfriend…he kind of hurt me. He was always really controlling and angry, but I stayed with him because it gave me an excuse to be out of my house. There’s a lot going on there. He made me feel somewhat loved, though it was in a twisted way. He used to threaten me, and he…he just said some things that made me feel awful and he would…hit me. Touch me when I didn’t want it. So, I kind of became more closed off. I got away from him finally, and I’m okay now, but it just hurts, I guess. Seeing you and Chase, how cute you are together, even when you told me you didn’t feel anything romantic towards him. But I guess that’s changed now,” she said, smiling at me for a moment. “So…yeah, I’ve had a crush on Chase. He’s always so gentle and kind and patient…I admire him so much, and I felt so jealous of all the attention he gave you. So, when I found out he was late to work because he had been with you, I let it get the best of me. I just exploded. It was so stupid and petty, and I didn’t mean it. You didn’t deserve that.”    

She stopped talking and her body visibly relaxed. She had been tensed. She looked relieved. 

“Oh my gosh, Jade, I’m so sorry…” I was in shock. She really had opened up. I didn’t know what else to say or do. 

“It’s okay, it’s in the past. I’m working through it,” she said softly. “I’m not…I don’t like to think I’m a mean person. I did let my feelings get the best of me, obviously, but I…I don’t want to hurt anyone.” 

She looked close to tears. She let out a deep breath and looked up at me, her eyes boring into mine.

“So I wanted to ask…do you think we can be friends?” 

Jade asked it so softly I could barely hear the question. Her eyes glimmered with a quiet hope.

I felt a small bubble of joy in my chest, and I smiled big. 

“I’d really like that, Jade,” I answered.

She looked up in surprise, her eyes wide. She then broke into her own huge smile, her eyes even more aglow. 

“Really?” she nearly whispered.

“I’d love to be your friend,” I said, nodding happily. “But...can I be really real with you?”

She sat up straight, leaning slightly forward. She was all ears. 

I sighed. It was time for me to open up. 

“I’ve never had any girlfriends. I was bullied a ton growing up, and it seems even worse now that I have bipolar. I’m legitimately scared of other girls. The few friends I had all ended up betraying me and gossiping about me…about my illness and dad and stuff. It was awful. Since then, I’ve really only had Chase, and I just keep to myself.” 

“Isn’t Christina your friend?” Jade asked, tilting her head. 

“She’s more like a second mom,” I laughed. “Well, I guess Chase’s mom is like my second mom, Christina is the ‘mom friend.’”

“I know what you mean. Like I said, she kind of scares me,” Jade giggled. “I like her, but she’s definitely intense.” 

“She can be for sure,” I said with a laugh. “But she’s amazing. But yeah, I’ve never had any ‘real’ friends beside Chase. It’s kind of always just been him and me against the world.” 

“On that, how did you and Chase meet anyway?” Jade asked curiously. “I know you guys grew up together, but what else?”

“It’s kind of a long story,” I laughed, smiling at her. “Do you have time?”

“Yup,” Jade said, leaning back on the grass and smiling at me. 

So I told her. 

I told her how Chase and I had grown up together, how he had always been there for me in some way. I told her about my dad’s passing, finding out I had bipolar, my struggles and fears, how through all of that Chase had been the light in my life I needed to keep going. 

I even told her about what happened in the treehouse last night.

She smiled, laughed, frowned, gasped, and listened intently as I talked. She even let out a girly squeal when I told her about kissing Chase, crowing how cute it was. 

It was like Jade was blooming right in front of me, her petals unfolding and revealing who she really was.

She wasn’t mean. She was really sweet. 

“Wow, I had no idea you’ve been through all of that,” she said when I had finished. “That gives me more of an idea of who you are for sure. You’re really cool, Avery,” she smiled. 

I felt a light blush rise to my cheeks, as well as genuine excitement. I had just had a girl-to-girl conversation and had spilled some pretty personal details about myself and my life. I didn’t feel worried or anxious at all.

“You’re really cool, too, Jade,” I said, relaxing my body and feeling airy. 

“Maybe later I can tell you my story,” she said, getting to her feet. “But I really gotta go.” She looked apologetic. 

“I’ll be looking forward to that,” I said, really meaning it. 

She smiled happily and slung her backpack over her shoulder. I followed suit and stood as well, and we made our way back to the parking lot, walking side by side this time. 

We chatted a bit more and I was still surprised that I felt totally at ease. 

We reached the lot and I followed her to her car, a small black Honda. She tossed her backpack in the passenger seat and then turned toward me, her keys dangling from her fingers. She beamed up at me, and then shyly opened her arms toward me. I felt another small shock of surprise, but I stepped into them and we hugged. It felt natural, though I had to slightly stoop down. She had a cozy kind of hug. 

“It was really wonderful talking with you,” she said, grinning at me. “I’m really happy things are okay between us now.”

“I loved talking to you, too!” I replied with a genuine smile. “I’ll see you soon?”

“I’m gonna be working tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll see you,” she affirmed, lightly bouncing on her heels. 

“Yay!” I crowed, stepping back as she opened her driver’s door. “Bye, Jade. Drive safe!”

“Thank you, Avery,” she said, smiling up at me. “Bye!”

She shut her door, turned on her car, and pulled off, waving goodbye. 

I waved after her, waiting until her car had disappeared from my view.

I felt all bubbly and excited as I made my way back to Rejavanate.

I had a new friend.

She had opened up to me.

She was really nice.

And I didn’t feel afraid.

It really was a lovely day.  

♥

Image source: Prison School by Akira Hiramoto