Carry It Well ♥

TW: Mention of suicide

I felt the sunlight gently graze across my closed eyes, prompting me to barely open them, squinting through the sleepiness that shrouded my head. Sure enough, there was a yellow glow seeping through my curtains, trying to reach into my room as best it could. I sighed and reached out to my nightstand, feeling around for my phone. My fingers brushed it and I grabbed at it, managing to not knock it to the floor. I pressed the side button and the screen lit up: 10:30 AM. 

I had slept in. 

I stretched out under my blankets, feeling the sensation of being awake slowly run through my body. My shoulders felt a bit cramped, so I lazily sat up and gently bent my head back and forth. Sure enough, my neck popped loudly on both sides, and I felt a release of tension in my shoulders. I sighed contentedly and then stretched my hands towards the ceiling, letting my spine lengthen, feeling my blood run through my limbs. It felt good. 

I gingerly pushed my blankets off of my legs and leaned over to examine my right knee. It wasn’t as swollen today, which was a good sign. I had really hoped it wasn’t seriously hurt from my tumble off of my treehouse ladder. I could still hear Chase’s gasp as I thudded to the grass, and then a stifled laugh once he realized I was okay. He said I looked like a baby bird who had attempted to take flight but had forgotten to flap its wings, thus falling prey to gravity and plummeting to the earth. I was so embarrassed, and I had felt hot tears prick my eyes, which made him change his tune from one of teasing to one of comfort rather quickly. He had gently kissed my knee, helped me to my feet, and promised he would pay for my coffee that day as a consolation treat. He then guided me back into my house, and when I had whimpered a bit in pain, he picked me up and carried me, much to my surprise.

“You don’t weigh that much, Ave,” he laughed, noticing my expression. “Don’t worry, I got you.”

He then had settled me at the kitchen table, bent down to examine my knee once more, looked up at me lovingly, got me an ice pack, and we sat and talked. All the while, my heart had been fluttering, both from the adrenaline rush of my fall and from Chase’s sweetness. I wasn’t used to this yet: him and I being a couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Together. I still saw him as my best friend, the one who knew me better than anyone, who both protected me and loved me, but now at a deeper level. 

It made me feel so light and free.

My mom had found out not long after our little date in the park, where Chase had given me my butterfly necklace and asked if I would be his girlfriend. She had, of course, noticed the necklace the very next day and asked if it was a late birthday gift from Chase. I think the blush in my cheeks gave away the fact that he had given it to me for a different reason. She had been absolutely thrilled, even shedding a few tears, and had immediately called Chase and asked him if it was true. Chase had sounded nervous, probably because he assumed my mom had wanted him to ask her first, but it’s not like he had proposed or anything. He sheepishly said, yes, he had asked me to be his girlfriend, and my mom had shrieked, all giddy and girly. 

“My two babies, now a couple! I always imagined you two eventually getting together - both Lucy and I always hoped you would get married!” she had crowed, much to my embarrassment.

Chase had still been on the phone when she had said that, and I could practically picture his face, blushing and abashed, but smiling with true joy, his blue-gray eyes sparkling.

“Mom, it’s only been a day,” I had said with a groan. “Give it a rest.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes with her finger. “I’m just so happy for you two. Rory would be, too. He loved watching you both grow up together.”

That had made my chest seize up with emotion, my heart lightly twisting with pain. I had then started to cry, and my mom felt even worse, though I was crying both from happiness and sadness at her words.

My dad loved Chase, too? I guess I had never thought about that. 

I tried to conjure up those earlier memories: Chase and I tiny and curious, our eyes wide and in wonder of the world. My dad smiling, his green eyes shimmering as we both played pretend, running around in my backyard, watching with excitement as he slowly built my treehouse. 

Our treehouse. 

I had taken those moments for granted. But, I tried to remind myself, it wasn’t my fault. I was just a kid.

Of course the possibility of my dad no longer being around would cross my mind at that point.

All I cared about was that I was loved, Chase was there, I wasn’t alone. My only concerns were counting down to summer vacation, hoping it wouldn’t rain so Chase and I could play outside, trying my best to not get sick so I could see him. My bliss was found in lemonade under the blue sky, popsicles in July, getting wet from playing with the garden hose, my hands streaked and covered in chalk, my mouth sticky from chocolate chip cookies. 

I missed when those were my only worries. 

I pulled myself out of my head and exited my bed, turning back around to make it. I noticed with a deep feeling of pleasure that my blankets were still tidy and tucked in, save for where I had been underneath them. That was a sign I had truly slept well, which was rare. I hadn’t even had any nightmares, nor dreams that had plagued my head when I had awoken. That was a sign that I had not only slept well, but it had been peaceful.

No wonder I had slept in. 

My heart felt oddly heavy despite realizing I had slept soundly. It was my own fault for digging back into those memories. 

I hurriedly finished making my bed and then crossed to my bathroom, trying to not let the sadness make a nest in my mind. I washed my face, allowing myself to feel the warmth of the water wash away the fuzziness from my still-sleepy brain. I tried to focus on the day ahead, what I could enjoy, what I could partake in to raise my spirits.

Coffee. The sun on my skin. Chase’s smile, the one he had just for me. His kisses, his hugs, his gentle hands on my cheeks. Christina’s sass, Jade’s quiet ways, Grayson’s loud antics. My little corner at Rejavanate, the smell of the spring flowers in the air.

I reflected back on my conversation with Jasper. He was such a sweetheart - he had reminded me a lot of myself. Shy, quiet, struggling with a parental ‘loss.’ I know his mom was still alive, but to not have her at home because she was so far gone with her illness…it broke my heart. I prayed often now that she would get better, for his and Jade’s sakes. I wondered how their dad was handling it, too. Jasper hadn’t said too much about his dad, just mentioning he was in the military and wasn’t home often. He didn’t say that he was mean or absent though, so that was good. It had made me see Jade in a whole new light. She wasn’t some stuck-up jealous girl who hated me for having support and now having Chase as my boyfriend despite her crush on him. She had been hurting while also carrying her brother’s hurt, and worried about her mom, wishing she had support like I did. It made sense now. And I wanted nothing more than for her to feel loved on, too. I just wasn’t sure how to go about it, especially since she was so naturally quiet and reserved.  

I pondered all of this as I finished my makeup, brushing mascara onto my eyelashes and then checking my eyeliner one last time. It was even. Good.

I brushed out my hair and decided I would wear a hat today, just so I didn’t have to go through the extra effort of making it look too smooth. I exited my bathroom and chose my outfit: my dark blue jeans, a loose dark-blue shirt, and a blue baseball cap. The shirt was actually one I had stolen from Chase: it was big and long, but I liked it that way. I just twisted up the front and tied it in a knot, and boom! More stylish. I was super thankful he was taller than me for this reason. But then again, he could have been shorter than me and I’d still wear his shirts. 

I smiled to myself and tied my laces on my classic shoe choice: my blue Converse. I was pleased that during my entire morning routine, my knee hadn’t hurt at all. I was excited to proudly proclaim this news to Chase, hoping he would stop pestering me about getting it checked out. I really didn’t want to jump through all of those hoops. 

I grabbed my keys, backpack, and slipped my phone into my pocket. I know my mom was gone for the day already, and I expected - no, hoped - it would just be a relaxing day at Rejavanate. As I descended the stairs and made my way out to my car, I reflected on my progress over the last month. 

My last massive depressive episode had happened before my birthday. I had seen Dr. Swann on April 1st, just fifteen days ago. I still often thought of her words. 

You are already making progress on the path to acceptance and healing, which is incredibly important and fantastic to see. And I have no doubt that you, like many others with bipolar disorder and similar illnesses, can use your story to benefit others in their own recovery. You will get there in time, and you’re already well on your way.

Was I? Was my story helping others?

I had felt a connection with Jasper, in his story with his mom. She had schizophrenia. She was hospitalized. I could only hope she would recover, that her story could be one of healing. I wanted that for myself, more than anything, to one day not worry or feel so depressed or anxious. To not want to end my own life. 

To be someone good. Someone whole.

Someone who wouldn’t worry or burden Chase.

I felt the prick of depression pierce my heart again, and I quickly shoved my thoughts away, once again trying to list things I knew were real, were concrete, were comforting.

Bluebell, my stuffed horse. Chase’s scent: sandalwood mixed with vanilla. The silent mountains topped with white clouds. The April breeze carrying the wildflower’s perfume with it. 

I didn’t need to worry about changing myself right now. I didn’t even need to worry at all. I just needed to embrace what today would bring. And then I could work with that later. 

My drive to Rejavanate was short and simple, my music carrying me through the green lights, past the high school, around corners where people waited to cross, holding children’s hands or the leashes of dogs. I wondered what they were off to do on this Wednesday morning. I hope they had fun wherever they were going. 

I pulled into Rejavanate’s lot, swung into the first spot I could find, and eagerly bounced out of my car, pulling my backpack along with me. I suddenly felt a wave of joy wash over my heart. I briefly hoped that it was genuine joy and not mania, and then I shoved that thought away as well. I bounded my way up to the doors and pulled the right one open, immediately being greeted by the scent of coffee and the warm atmosphere of the shop. It was another home to me. 

And lo and behold, there stood another one of my ‘homes’ behind the register. 

Chase turned and noticed me, a massive smile breaking out across his face. He gestured towards the back, and I quickly made my way there, dropping my backpack on the bench in my corner first. I pushed through the back door and was greeted with a hug as he met me through the double doors. 

“Hey, Ave,” he murmured, his mouth pressed into my hat. 

“Hi,” I giggled, suddenly bursting with joy. 

He pulled back and looked me in the eyes, his face all aglow. 

“Gosh, you’re so beautiful,” he breathed, looking me over. “Blue always looks amazing on you.”

“Well, it should, especially since this is your shirt,” I laughed, lightly pulling on it.

He blinked for a second.

“Wait. I’ve been looking for that shirt,” he groaned, shaking his head with a smile. “No wonder I couldn’t find it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly feeling worried that I had upset him. He actually hadn’t known I had taken it from his room when I had last visited. I should have said something, but I honestly did forget. 

“No, it’s okay,” he said, gently touching my cheek. “It looks great on you. It makes me happy you want to wear something of mine,” he laughed, smiling gently. 

“It smells like you, so…it makes me feel safe,” I said, suddenly feeling shy. 

“Well then, wear it all you want,” he replied, bending down and giving me a soft kiss. “I don’t mind,” he murmured, looking me in the eyes.

My heart melted a bit under his gaze. 

“God, you guys are too frickin’ cute,” a sudden voice came, making me jump and Chase pull back.

Christina stood, her arms folded and hip stuck out, propping one of the double doors open, a Chesire cat-like grin on her face.

“Holy crap, Christina, you nearly gave me a heart attack,” Chase breathed, his eyes wide.  

“Relax, lover boy, there’s no need to be all startled,” she said breezily, coming fully through the doors. “Unless you were doing something naughty back here. In that case, I would have to ask you two to leave, but it looks like you’re still fully clothed,” she said, her tone absolutely dripping with glee at teasing us. 

“Oh my gosh,” I breathed, blushing hard. 

Christina let out a hyena laugh before walking towards me with her arms extended for a hug. 

“I’m just teasing you,” she laughed, gently pulling me into her. “How are you feeling today, Miss Avery?”

I blinked, a bit startled by her sudden shift in gears. Why would she ask how I was feeling? Did she know I had been struggling a bit today?

Or, I thought, trying to stop myself from spiraling into anxiety, or she’s just curious. It’s a normal question to ask those who you care about. 

“I’m okay,” I mumbled, my face pressed into her shoulder as she was still hugging me. “I actually slept well last night. No nightmares,” I said, suddenly feeling at equilibrium again. “And,” I said, now untangling myself from Christina and looking pointedly at Chase. “My knee doesn’t hurt today, and it’s not swollen.”

Chase raised his eyebrows at my sudden proud declaration, his eyes dropping to my legs.

“You telling me the truth?” he asked, his mouth quirked up on the right side. 

“Yes,” I groaned, shaking my head. “I promise, it doesn’t hurt. The bruising is gone, I feel fine when I walk, it doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong-”

“Ave, relax, I’m just teasing you,” Chase cut me off gently, turning me around and wrapping me in a hug from behind. 

I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes, and Christina laughed, shaking her head lightly. 

“She just rolled her eyes, didn’t she?” Chase asked her, laughing.

I was pressed against him and felt the rumble of his laugh in his chest against the back of my head. I couldn’t help but smile as Christina affirmed his suspicions and he lightly poked my sides, eliciting giggles from me. 

“Well, I’m happy you’re feeling better,” he said, learning down and planting a kiss on the top of my head. “You just gonna hang out today?” 

“Yeah, I have a few things I want to work on,” I said, tilting my head back and smiling up at him. 

“Alright,” he grinned down at me, letting me go. “You know where I’ll be if you need me. You want a cold brew?”

“Yes, please,” I grinned, taking a few steps toward the back door to return to my corner. 

“You two have no shame,” Christina sighed, looking between the two of us. “Kissing and being all lovey in front of your mother.”

“Oh, so you finally accepted that title?” Chase asked in a teasing tone, cocking an eyebrow at Christina. 

“Do I really have a choice?” she groaned. “Grayson basically only calls me ‘mom’ now, and even Jade has slipped up a few times,” she said, throwing her hands up in the hair. “I have resigned myself at this point.”

“Don’t stress yourself out, mom,” I quipped, looking at her with concern. “You'll get gray hair.” 

Christina let out a choking sound as Chase burst into laughter. She glared at me, grabbing the washcloth she had in her apron pocket and flicking it at me, and I yelped in fake-fear, slipping out into the main area of the shop. 

I could still hear Chase laughing as the door shut behind me, and I had a huge smile on my face. I loved being able to ‘be myself’ around my friends, teasing and laughing and just speaking our own language.

It made me feel so loved and seen and heard. 

I sat down on my bench and began unpacking my backpack. I really just wanted to journal today, though I also had some homework to do. It was both my and Chase’s junior year at Cragright, and the spring semester was drawing to a close. I was studying to major in English, and he was working on a bachelor’s degree in Business. He had such great success with getting Rejavanate to become reality and was making the school such good money that he decided to pursue Business. He wasn’t fully sure what he would do once he graduated, but then again, neither did I. I was interested in possibly pursuing a career in professional editing, leaning more towards being an editor for authors and their books. It was something I enjoyed: scanning over someone’s outpouring of words and finding how to enhance their thoughts, dreams, and visions. Finetune their message to the world. It was something I could imagine myself doing for my life, something I could manage despite my illness. It gave me hope. 

I settled down onto my seat, first opening my purple notebook and pulling a pen out of my bag. I just wanted to journal, get all of my thoughts out and onto paper. They felt easier to tackle and sort through that way. As I wrote and reflected, I sank into a peaceful headspace once again, and let the pen do the work of giving me the flow and clarity I was seeking. I ended up writing about two pages before I moved to my homework, pulling my laptop from my backpack and opening it to Cragright’s student portal.

As I got settled into my rhythm, my head finally quieter, Chase appeared at my side with my drink and my smile - the one he seemed to have just for me.

“Hey,” he said, placing my drink next to my computer before sitting down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. “Whatcha up to?”

“Homework,” I replied, leaning into him. “Just trying to get in the mindset for finals.”

“Yeah, those are gonna be here before we know it,” he sighed quietly. “Gonna suck for awhile. I know Christina will be covering more of my shifts so I can have more time to study, but I’m gonna have to work it out with Grayson and Jade since they have finals, too. I think we can all make it work so we all have time to study and knock ‘em out,” he said, smiling down at me as I nuzzled my head on his shoulder. I smiled back up at him before sitting up and taking a sip of my drink. 

“Mmm, it’s delicious. Thank you,” I sighed, letting my body relax. 

“Extra mocha sauce, as always,” he grinned, bopping me on the nose with his index finger. 

“You’re too kind,” I laughed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. 

“I try,” he sighed, his tone suddenly shifting.

I looked up in surprise. He was looking down at the table, his shoulders slumped. He looked tired.

“Hey…what’s wrong?” I asked gently, putting my drink down on the table and gently taking his hand.

“Hmm?” he uttered, shaking his head as if he had been deep in thought. “Oh…I’m fine, Ave, just tired,” he said, smiling at me.

I must have looked worried because he put his hand on my cheek and his eyes turned steely-serious. 

“Seriously, I’m okay, Ave. It’s not about you, don’t worry,” he said gently. “Just a lot on my mind lately. Finals, paying rent, work schedule, my mom, life in general,” he said, laughing lightly at this last point.

 

“Your mom?” I asked, tilting my head.

“Yeah, she’s been super busy, so we haven’t talked much lately. I was finally able to give her a call the other day and we talked for a couple of hours. I told her you and I were a thing,” he said coyly, his smile now playful.

He was baiting me to beg him to tell me what she said. 

I didn’t take it.

“Aww, that’s good that you got to talk to her,” I said breezily, smiling and turning back to sipping my drink.

“Darn, not up for my games?” he asked, chuckling as he played with my hair. “I’m sorry, I’ll lay off of the teasing today. She was very thrilled to hear it, as you might have guessed. I had wondered if Marie had called and told her first, but I guess she waited so I could be the first to tell.”

“My mom would wait for sure,” I replied, smiling at him. “And now I’m sure Lucy will call her and they’ll get to have a gushing session.”

Chase just laughed, his eyes lighting up, his dimples appearing as he smiled big. 

“And they need that. I know they miss each other now that my mom is so far down the mountain,” he said, smiling a bit sadly. “I worry that my mom is lonely sometimes.”

“I’m sure she’s okay,” I said, trying to reassure him. “She’s a strong woman, that’s for sure.”

“True,” he murmured, looking a bit downcast before brightening back up. “She’s okay.”

“And I’m sure she would tell you if she wasn’t,” I said, squeezing his hand. 

“You sure have a lot of sureness today, don’t you?” he asked, a small grin on his face. 

“Hey, I thought you said you were going to chill out with the teasing,” I said, fake-pouting. 

“Sorry, I can’t help it,” he chuckled, patting my thigh before he stood up. 

“You’re leaving?” I blurted, immediately missing his closeness as he got off the bench. 

“I gotta get back to work, silly,” he smiled, giving me one last touch on my shoulder. “I’m not far away. You can always come get me if you need me.”

“Okay,” I replied, feeling comforted. 

“You okay today, Ave?” he asked gently, his eyes revealing a hint of worry.

I automatically went to say ‘I’m fine,’ but I stopped myself.

I thought for a moment.

“To be honest…I feel kind of off today,” I answered slowly, trying to articulate my feelings. “I slept really well, and my knee feels fine, but…I was just…having a lot of emotions this morning. I was thinking back on when we were little…because of what my mom said when she found out we were together.”

“What did she say?” he asked, looking concerned.

“Oh, she…she just told me how happy my dad would be if he were here and knew we became a couple,” I said, my voice hitching a bit. 

I really didn't want to cry. 

Chase’s face turned soft, a warmth filling his eyes and lacing his smile. He sat back down next to me and pulled me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“I’m sure that he would be,” he whispered, his lips close to my ear. “I was actually thinking about him lately, too. I remember so many good times over the years at your house, growing up with you. How close I felt to your parents. Your dad was like the dad I never had.”

My heart twisted again.

“Really?” I breathed, the tears inching closer to my eyes.

“Really. He was awesome. So kind and heartfelt in his words and actions. More of a man than my dad could ever hope to be,” he said gently, squeezing me. “I miss him, too, Ave. He would be so proud of you, to see how hard you’re fighting to be okay, to be better. And it’s okay if you’re struggling, if you feel off sometimes. Do you feel depressed again?”

“No, not yet,” I whispered, my voice now watery. “But I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of those thoughts coming back?” he asked, pulling back so he could look me in the eyes.

“Yes,” I managed to say, my tears now flowing down my cheeks. “I’m so scared I’ll want to kill myself again. I don’t want to let you down, or my mom down, or even my dad. I don’t want to hurt,” I finished, my voice barely audible. 

“Of course you don’t want to hurt,” he replied softly, touching my cheek. “And I’m so sorry that you do, Ave. You are so strong, I mean that with all my heart. Carrying your dad’s memory and his illness…his struggle. I can’t imagine,” he said, his eyes gentle. “Just know this: I’m always here for you, okay? Even more so now that we’re together,” he winked, leaning in and kissing my right cheek. “I’ll never give up on you, okay? Please don’t ever worry that I’ll leave you. You can’t scare me away.”

I felt my teary eyes widen a bit. 

How did he know that’s what I had been fighting to not think about? 

I began to fully cry, my heart in a whirlwind of joy, sorrow, anxiety, and hurt. 

He hugged me again, squeezing me softly. He let me cry for a while longer, my tears staining his shoulder, a dark spot forming. 

Finally, I pulled myself together, trying to stop my crying. I didn’t want to make a scene. There wasn’t really anyone in here today, but still, I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, nor keep Chase any longer. 

“You okay?” he asked, his voice low and soothing.

“Yeah,” I murmured, my smile slowly returning to my face. “I’m just…feeling a lot today.”

“And that’s just fine. Feel all you need to. Allow yourself to work through it, don’t bottle it up, okay?” he said, smiling softly at me. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said, giving him one last hug. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Ave,” he murmured into my hair. “Come get me if you need to, okay?”

“Okay,” I replied, feeling more steadfast and firm. 

He smiled, got up, and went into the back.

I took a deep breath. 

Then another. 

Then another.   

I let the tension flow out of my lungs, the fluttering caged bird of anxiety in my chest calming down with each exhale. 

I turned back to my laptop and resumed my work, trying to relax. 

It wouldn’t be long before I turned back to my journal and decided to keep writing there. Marking my progress. Tracking my thoughts, my moods, my emotions. 

I was making a roadmap for myself. I couldn’t mark the final destination, but I could record my steps, see the little trail I was blazing for myself as I continued to make progress. 

Toward healing.

Toward peace.

Toward strength.

To be whole. 

Even in spite of what I was carrying. 

I could learn to carry it well. 

♥

Image source: Stella To Mille Feuille by Watanabe Kana