Tides ♥

I found out that Derek got a new girlfriend within only a week of me leaving. 

The only true friend I had back in North Carolina was Tiffany, which is a pretty typical name for a bitch, but she was sweet as pie. She had messaged me and said that she had seen Derek at a party with his arm wrapped around a new girl, someone she didn’t know. To satisfy her own curiosity, she had cornered the girl when she had managed to disentangle herself from Derek to go to the bathroom. Tiffany had started up some innocent sweet talk and managed to get some information. This girl was Betty, which made her sound like she was some little old biddy rather than a small brunette twenty-something. 

And I thought Derek hated brunettes. 

Tiffany discovered that Betty had met Derek literally two days after I had left for Ridge Rock at a party he was at, which was so damn typical. I had rolled my eyes hard at her words: honestly, would his guy ever grow out of the party scene? He was pushing 27 years old and was way out of college. I guess it didn’t help that he had flunked out. Twice. 

Anyway, Betty said they had locked eyes over a game of beer pong and had gotten to talking, and the very next day they met up over coffee, which is not typical of Derek, and decided they ‘had something.’ I had nearly gagged on the strawberry lemonade I was sipping, tucked up with my knees to my chest on my desk chair as I read Tiffany’s messages. 

Of course, Betty said he was such a gentleman and treated her with respect and gentleness, which literally made no sense to me at all, though it also made perfect sense. I hated that. He would act sweet and trustworthy, and once he felt he had you captive, he would show his true colors: nasty, mean, controlling. A grade-A asshole. It’s what he had done to me, and it’s what he would repeat with Betty, his little rebound brown-haired girlfriend.

I felt my mouth curl into a snarl as I read Tiff’s next message.

I won’t lie, Jade, I warned her that he’s a freaking sociopath. She got real pissed and when she asked me how I knew, I just barely mentioned you. Not your name, just that you were his most recent ex and that he was abusive to you. She literally laughed in my face and said Derek had told her about you, that you were a little coward who left him for no reason and  that you were the abusive one who ghosted him for ‘no reason.’ I think my jaw dropped through the floor when she said that. 

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. He could do me a thousand favors just by keeping my name out of his mouth. But no, he had to go and say this bullshit? I white-knuckled my glass, the condensation making it nearly slip out of my hand. I quickly discarded it on the cat-shaped coaster to the left of my keyboard and rapidly tapped out a reply.

Look, Tiff, I appreciate you telling me this, but…I’ve moved on. Seriously. I’m over it. I don’t want to know about him, or really anything that’s going on back there. I wanna talk to you, but I just…I don’t want to or need to know about him. Or her. He can lie all he wants about me, and she can believe it all she wants, but I know she doesn’t know it all, and neither does he. In fact, he really never knew a damn thing about me. And he never will. And I want it that way. 

I inhaled shakily as I hit ‘send’ and then I closed the messenger app. I needed a break. I needed fresh air. I needed peace.

And I knew exactly where I could get that feeling. 

Without a moment’s hesitation, I unfolded myself from my chair, slowly stood up, and felt the rush of blood course through my legs as I stretched towards the ceiling. I scampered to the bathroom, fixed up my hair, threw on my black Vans, grabbed my bag, and grabbed my car keys. As I shut my bedroom door, taking the unfinished glass of lemonade with me to put in the kitchen sink, I slunk up to Jasper’s bedroom door, which was only slightly ajar. I peeked in and waited for my eyes to adjust. It was dark in his room. Typical.

I could barely make out his form, which was occupying his gaming chair, the glow of his computer screen the only bit of light. I sighed and for what felt like the millionth time worried about his eyesight. I at least hoped he was sitting straight up and not hunched over. I couldn’t tell what was on his screen, though I just assumed he was playing a video game with his…

My thoughts trailed off. Friends? It hit me like a bus. Did Jas even have friends? He really didn’t talk much about people at school, nor did he ever really invite anyone over. I think he once had two other boys over to work on a project, but he seemed miserable the entire time. Though I couldn’t blame him, required group work in school was a guaranteed gateway to developing a hatred for humanity. I decided to leave him alone, though I couldn’t help but squint hard and try to see his screen. I couldn’t hear him tapping away at his keys, so maybe he wasn’t playing a game. I didn’t know. And I didn’t want to intrude. I gently rapped on the door, but he didn’t stir. I guess maybe he had his headphones on. Typical. 

“Hey, Jas?” I said, loudly. 

He jumped, his chair squeaking as he whirled around, his headphones now around his neck, his hair disheveled, his eyes slightly wide. Yup. I don’t even know why I had to guess he had them on.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I’m going out for a bit,” I said, gently smiling.

“Okay,” he replied, nodding a bit. I took a quick glance at his screen. It only displayed his desktop screen. He must have minimized whatever window he was looking at. 

“I…are you okay?” I asked, feeling a sudden worry bloom in my heart. 

His eyes flicked away from mine, but only for a moment. 

“Yeah.”

Liar.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, Jade, I’m fine. Can you please go now?” 

My heart practically twisted in two on the spot. This wasn’t like him. And I could tell he was fighting hard to keep a tremor out of his voice. The one that typically is accompanied by tears. 

I wasn’t going to leave it alone.

I fully pushed my way into his room, and he heaved a sigh right then and there. I saw in a single instant his guard drop, his shoulders collapse, his eyes betray him as they sparkled. All I did was drop my bag on the floor and gently wrapped my arms around him. 

My kid brother. He truly was strong, despite his waterworks. To give him credit, he had every damn reason to cry, and I didn’t buy into all that ‘real men don’t cry’ bullshit. I made the silent decision right then and there to not even ask what he had been looking at. I knew in my heart he was reading more about schizophrenia and it was slowly tearing into his heart even more. 

I held him together, willing myself to be an anchor, to push the turmoil of Derek away, to be a haven of peace for him as I hugged him. It felt like I was holding him together as he shuddered in my arms. It was often like this: Jasper just needed release. Reassurance. Away from dad’s sight, in the dark of his room, in the arms of his sister. We didn’t link pinkies or make verbal promises. We just kept it hush-hush. Jasper could cry, I could be his safe place. 

And then we moved on. 

In and out. Out and in.

Like breathing. Like the tides. 

Like tears slipping down into the collar of my shirt, leaving a brief stain, and then disappearing. 

We all need release. 

Even me. 

And that’s where I was going. 

To find my own comfort and release.

♥

Image source: Mahou Shoujo Site by Kentaro Sato