Adrift (Part 2 to Tides) ♥

Ever since my final night with Derek, I struggled every day with a hatred of my body. It was something stupid that nagged at me every time I undressed to shower, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or tried to make myself feel even smaller than I already was. The only time I felt good in my bones was when I was helping someone. It made me feel like I was outside of myself, putting my attention on another human being. A customer at Rejavanate. Texting with my friends. Wrapping my arms around Jasper, soothing away the tension he held so deep in his soul, like I had just done about twenty minutes ago.

I had disentangled myself from him, dropped a quick kiss on his hair, and told him I was heading out. I needed to clear my head. He understood that more than anyone, and he had sniffled slightly before nodding and turning back to his computer screen. My heart twisted a bit more, and I almost reached out to touch his shoulder, to ask him to not worry himself anymore, to quit reading so damn much. But I knew that, in a way, that was how he soothed himself. The more he learned about our mother’s illness, the more he felt in control. He had knowledge. He knew what to ‘expect.’ There wasn’t much that could surprise him if he knew as much as he could. 

I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to stop.

So, I left to practice my own self-soothing.

I silently drove, weaving through the dead streets. The crescent moon shone lazily down on the world as I pulled into a parking spot, pulled my jacket a bit closer around me, and exited my car, making my way up to the sliding doors of the massive bookstore in front of me. 

Bedrock Books was open twenty-four hours. Yup. Sleepy little Ridge Rock had a bookstore that was open twenty-four freaking hours, six days a week. Despite the small populace of the town, the bookstore was wildly successful, which is why it remained open all hours of the day and night. It had a cafe, a huge sitting space with plush couches and plump chairs, and, of course, aisles upon aisles and rows upon rows of beautiful books. During the day, the store was brightly illuminated by the sun that poured in through the windows in the ceiling, and people of all kinds would peruse the aisles. Little kids would have their noses buried in picture books, kids from the high school would be found in the young adult and manga sections, and older men and women would be curled up in the cafe, reading the newspaper or doing crossword puzzles as they sipped their drip coffee or lattes. 

The bookstore’s cafe was simply called Bluff, still adhering to the rock theme of the town, but also trying to stay simple. It was typically referred to as Bedrock Bluff, just so people felt clear on where it was - the little corner cafe inside of Bedrock. It wasn’t the same as Rejavanate or Carabiner Cliff, but it was still super yummy and much more quaint. Bluff served a fixed menu of typical coffeehouse fare, from coffee to espresso to cold brew, and also had their own selection of pastries and sandwiches. They baked the pastries in-house, but the bread and ingredients for the sandwiches were from Mountaintop Market, where they were baked and delivered fresh. The baristas were a mix of high school and Cragright college students, with a couple of adults, and from what I had heard, they were usually friendly. The college students made up the night crew, not afraid to pull all-nighters when there was free coffee promised, and they usually had all the time in the world on their shifts to study while also making money. The cafe was busiest during the daytime, but it was no surprise that Bedrock’s most popular time was the hours of the night. 

People would stagger in at 2 AM, bedraggled and bewitched, hungrily clawing through the shelves, looking frantically for the next book in the series they were reading. These were the victims of a cliffhanger or the death of their favorite character or those just desperate to find out how the story ends. They would gleefully snatch up the next book or two, stride up to the counter, make their purchase, and disappear once more into the night, the cashiers left standing with knowing smiles on their faces. 

It was its own kind of glorious. 

I came here often. And most of the time, I came alone and at night. 

But funnily enough, just last week I had strode into Bedrock with some of the Rejavanate crew.

As per usual, Avery had been hanging around in her corner as Christina, Chase, and I worked. It had been a fairly slow Tuesday, and I had made up my mind that I wasn’t in the mood to go straight home after we closed at five. I was in the middle of steaming milk for a vanilla latte when I decided I would head over to Bedrock and spend some time curled up in the cushy purple armchair in the reading section, either actively reading a book or sketching. I felt a peace come over me as I imagined this scenario when suddenly Christina appeared at my side. 

“Hey,” she said, taking only a moment to make sure she had my attention before continuing. “Did you wanna hang out with me and Chavery after work?” 

Chavery was her new ‘title’ of sorts for Chase and Avery - their couple label, if I could put it into other words. She had decided that instead of referring to them by their separate names that it saved her time to just splice them together and get them out in one word. To be fair, they were so inseparable, especially now that they were a couple, that it was actually more functional than cringey to refer to them by that name.

I inwardly groaned at her question. I had really just wanted some time to myself, but a small part of me leaped to say yes. I both wanted company and yet wanted to be alone. I wanted to spend some more time with them outside of work, but also just wanted my mind to swallow me whole so I could work through my thoughts. I felt like a mess inside, and it made me feel as if I were going in circles. I couldn’t make up my mind.

Christina blinked as I stared, the steamer still going. I snapped back to reality and quickly turned it off, pulling the hot milk away from the rod and wiping it off with a rag. 

“Er, uh, yeah,” I stammered, my focus wavering. I swirled the milk a bit before picking up the mug to pour it out into, trying to appear collected.

“Cool!” Christina chirped, smoothing over my awkwardness. “Well, we weren’t sure where we were gonna go, but we thought it would be fun just to hang. Do you have any ideas?”

I scrunched my face slightly as I tried to make a flower with the milk as I poured, finishing it off with a flourish before setting it back on the bar. It took me a moment to process that Christina was asking me for a suggestion for us to go to. It still surprised me that she was so kind and cordial to me now, since just over a month ago I had treated Avery so rudely and thus heaped Christina’s wrath onto my head. It made me happy to know I was forgiven for my temper tantrum. 

“Well, I was actually planning on heading over to Bedrock later,” I said. “Vanilla latte for Brenda!” I called out, trying to gloss over my suggestion and nervousness. My anxiety was such a dick.

“Ooo, that’s a good idea!” Christina said as the bespectacled Brenda came over to grab her drink with a smile and a thank you. “Let’s do that!”

She bounded over to tell Chase of my idea, and he affirmed that it sounded fun. So did Avery, who came up to the counter when he called her over. 

“I love Bedrock! They’re so relaxing. Being surrounded by books is one of the best things in life,” she had grinned, her green eyes sparkling. 

I agreed silently with her, giving her a small smile. 

I wish I was like Avery. Her soft milky skin adorned with hundreds of constellations in the form of her freckles. Her beautiful smile, how her eyes crinkled in the corners. Her overall aura of kindness.

I felt like an angry little dark stain on most days. Bristly. Prickly. Cold. 

But Avery was gorgeous. 

It was no wonder that Chase loved her.

I had mentally slapped myself for thinking that. Of course he loved her for more than her looks. Chase was not a shallow guy by any means. 

I broke once more out of my random brain tangent and smiled at them all, happy they liked my plan of heading to Bedrock. We closed up at five as usual and then all piled into Chase’s Jeep to head to the bookstore. It was more fun driving around with friends in one car. Avery sat in the passenger seat and Christina and I sat in the back, enjoying the cool air of the evening coming through the open windows as Chase drove. We lazily chatted back and forth, replaying the day’s events: the customers we had encountered, the drinks we had made, our surprise at our dead it had been. Just small talk, yet easy talk.

It was really nice.

We arrived at Bedrock within fifteen minutes and clambered out of the Jeep. It made me blush just a little when Chase helped me down onto the asphalt - his Jeep was tall and I was not. I had opened the door and hesitated as it looked like a long drop to the ground if I slipped, so his aid was greatly appreciated. I gently took his arm and he lowered me down with a smile before shutting the door for me and turning towards the bookstore. At that moment, I hated myself for still wishing that he was my boyfriend instead of Avery’s. I hoped that one day I would get over myself.

We made our way inside and then eventually split up to different sections of the store. Christina had decided that she was going to first investigate Bluff and return with a status report of their taste and quality, both in the way of the coffee and the staff members. Apparently, she hadn’t visited the cafe before and was curious as to how it compared to Rejavanate. Chase and Avery had taken off and were weaving through the aisles like two playful otters. They had disappeared from sight as I wandered around the aisles myself, sinking into my mind and getting a bit lost. I decided it wasn’t the best time to go fully inside my head since I was technically hanging with my friends, so I began to find distractions.

I was standing by myself and poring through the pages of a random book I had pulled off a shelf when I overheard giggling in the cookbook section. Out of curiosity, I poked my head around the corner of the outermost shelf of the row I was in and spotted them. Avery had a book in one hand and her other was in both of Chase’s hands. Her eyes were slightly wide and she looked mildly confused as he turned her fingers over, looking closely at them. He then looked up at her with a tender smile, releasing her hand. 

“Your anxiety has been better lately?” he asked, yet it sounded like it was also a statement. 

She got a light blush on her cheeks, and her confused expression faded. 

“Yeah,” she smiled, her eyes dropping to her hand. “How can you tell?”

“Your fingernails are longer,” Chase replied simply, a mischievous grin on his face.

Her blush deepened and she lightly bopped him on the head with the book she was holding. 

“You truly are so cheesy,” she sighed, though her voice betrayed her happiness that he had noticed such a small detail about her. 

“So is that book,” he replied, his typical deadpan expression adorning his face. 

Avery groaned, and I then understood his joke as he laughed and she flailed the book about. I couldn’t make out the entire title, but it had the word ‘cheese’ in it and the cover had a huge grilled cheese sandwich on it. 

I couldn’t lie. They were cute. Too cute. I felt another small bite of sadness in my chest as I retracted my body back around the bookshelf. 

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself as I reshelved the book when suddenly Christina reappeared, a cup of coffee in her hand and a bit of a disgusted look on her face.

“The coffee here? Not that great,” she said bluntly, holding the cup out towards me. “I request your opinion.”

I felt a little surprised as I accepted the cup and took a tentative, tiny sip. Bitter, black, and…boring. Yikes. It tasted like gritty water with nothing else but blandness to its name. I stuck my tongue out a bit and scrunched up my nose, and Christina nodded as she took the cup back.

“Yeah, no bueno,” she sighed, looking at the cup with disappointment in her eyes. “And the guy who took my order was not a happy camper. Acted like I was bothering him. And here I was hoping I could brag that Bluff was better than Carabiner,” she moaned, turning on her heel. “I gotta ask Chavery what they think.” 

I followed her, and in the same fashion, both Chase and Avery had sipped the coffee and had made similar faces that read ‘ew.’ We all had a small laugh about it before we continued our book browsing, chatting amongst ourselves before we left about thirty minutes later. I had bought the first book in a new young adult fantasy series and Avery had picked out some bookmarks, but Chase and Christina left empty-handed. I felt a bit more comfortable now that I had a book on my person as we decided on where to get dinner. 

We decided on getting pizza at King’s Peak. During our time at the restaurant, I endured more cheese jokes from Chavery, with Christina clucking over the two of them like a mother hen. I was quiet as usual, but I was inwardly content. I was having fun, but I also felt reserved. It didn’t help that my mind felt too full and I had little ‘me time’ to process it all. I was trying my best to be engaged, taking part in the conversation and laughter, but I felt like a fraud. I knew my feelings weren’t true, but I was barely keeping afloat. 

We finished our pizza, climbed back into Chase’s Jeep, and made our way back to Rejavanate so Christina and I could get our cars and go home. We once again departed from the Jeep and exchanged hugs. I couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride as the other three thanked me for my suggestion of going to Bedrock, that they had fun, that they were happy I came along. That caused a genuine smile to come to my face before I waved goodbye and settled into my driver’s seat. I was exhausted, and my mind was oddly at peace, so I had just decided to go to bed as soon as I could, which I did. 

The next few days had flown by with still no opportunity to process my thoughts, and then the conversation between Tiffany and I happened, sending me further into a whirlwind. 

I firmly decided that I wasn’t gonna let this chance pass me by. This chance to settle my mind. 

So, now here I was once again, walking up to the doors of Bedrock, the night air slinking around me, the moonlight guiding my path.

The whoosh of the doors beckoned me into their passive embrace.

And then I was inside, feeling a bit adrift.

Feeling very much alone.