Anchored (Final Part to Tides) ♥

I decided to just wander. I didn’t really have an objective in being here other than processing all that was going on in my mind. Trying to quiet the swelling tsunami building up in my brain.

My mom. Jasper. My dad. Work. My future. Life in general. 

It all felt like too much. I was wondering more about what Jasper had told me. How Avery had talked to him, said she had bipolar disorder. That bipolar disorder was a cousin illness to schizophrenia.

I didn’t really know Avery too well, despite our budding friendship. I knew she was nice. She cared about others. She had bipolar disorder. And she was Chase’s girlfriend. 

She seemed to have it all, even with the illness. She seemed happy, stable, and loved. Surrounded by friends who wanted her. 

Why wasn’t my mom like her? 

I felt that familiar bite of jealousy and frustration, and immediately turned away from that path in my head. I refused to explore it further. I knew it wasn’t true. Avery wasn’t the issue, and she didn’t deserve my contempt. 

She really didn’t.

Derek. Tiffany. 

My brain shocked itself by turning over onto this new thread of thought. 

Ugh. 

So. Damn. Much. 

I felt another wave of frustration crash down on the shoreline of my mind, disturbing the peace and making my head hurt. I was so tired. I forced my feet to move, to carry me around the store. My earlier plan of curling up in the big purple armchair was thwarted as another girl was already there, sitting with her face buried behind a book. Some other people were there on the couches and other chairs, studying, reading, munching on Bluff’s food and coffee fare.

I felt like my mind was racing too much for me to sit still anyway. 

So, I wandered.

Slowly, I began to feel comforted as I walked through the aisles of books, their presence making me feel welcome and appreciated. 

It’s no wonder why bookstores and libraries are some of the best places for disquieted people to dwell in. 

I slowly ran my hands over the books, trying hard to focus on the sensation rather than the tumultuous sea in my brain. They felt so smooth and firm, soft and reassuring. I started to randomly pull some of the shelves, flipping through them, putting them back. Bibles, cookbooks, children’s picture books, manga volumes, whatever my fingers found. I knew I was interested in actually finding a new book to read, so I began to route myself to the young adult section, but I then paused. 

I recalled my last visit here with Christina and Chavery. In my mind’s eye I saw Christina wandering the aisles, her nose scrunched up as she begrudgingly sipped at the coffee she had gotten from Bluff, muttering to herself. Chase gently cradling Avery’s fingertips over in his hands, murmuring to her as she looked both bewildered and embarrassed. 

And me. Lonely, except for the little thundercloud over my head, my self-hated buzzing in my brain. 

I bit my bottom lip and dug my fingernails into my palms. 

Stop. Stop pitying yourself.

I took a shallow breath and looked around. I was once again in the young adults’ section. I both wanted to find a damn book and then go, but also enjoy some quiet time. I wanted my purple chair. I wanted the voice in my head to shut up. I wanted to punch Derek, flip Betty off, and tear my hair out. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. 

I wanted to do something dumb. Something irrational. Something I knew I would probably regret.

So, I decided to give Bluff another shot. 

The coffee Christina had gotten last time totally sucked, but I just didn’t care. I wanted to look like I had a purpose as I walked around aimlessly, fighting the roiling ocean in my mind. I guess at least holding a cup of coffee might look like I had some sort of plan. 

I turned towards the small coffee shop, passing patrons who were studying, munching pastries, turning pages, looking busy. There was one girl behind the counter. She looked bored, sleepy, and overall droopy. 

I felt her energy in my soul. 

As I approached the counter, she perked up and advanced towards the register, a smile blooming on her face. Well, that was a fast switch. Probably just her trained customer service smile. Typical.

And yet not. She seemed genuinely happy she had a customer. 

“Hi, how are you tonight?” she asked, still smiling as she took up her position behind the register.

“Hi, I’m good,” I responded, trying to sound at least a bit enthused. “How are you?”

Why is small talk so painful?

“I’m doing good myself, thank you for asking!” she said perkily. “What can I get started for you?” she asked, picking a Sharpie up from the counter.

I squinted at her name tag as I began to formulate my response. Aimee. I felt the tiniest pinprick of anxiety. Was it pronounced just like Amy, but just spelled strange? Is it Ay-me? Ah-mee? Or just plain old A-me?

Nope, gonna skip using her name, I concluded, slicing down the question marks in my head.

“May I please have a double espresso?” I asked, trying to quirk my own lips up in the corners to resemble a somewhat friendly human.

“Of course!” she replied, selecting a small cup and poising the Sharpie over it. “Your name?”

“Jade,” I immediately replied. 

“Jade…” she murmured to herself as she wrote it on the cup. “And will that be all for you?” she inquired, her fingers punching in my order on the register.

“Yes,” I answered, suddenly feeling desperate to escape with my drink behind a bookshelf.

“Perfect,” she smiled.

I paid for the shots and then wandered over to the pickup area. It took just a minute or two as Aimee pulled the shots and transferred them to my little cup. She brought it over to me, still with a polite smile. 

“Would you like anything with it?” she asked as I picked up the cup from where she had placed it on the counter.

“Nope, I’m good,” I replied with a half-hearted attempt at a smile, disguising my lack of sincerity with a quick sip. I felt surprised at the taste, save for the little bit of burn I got from the espresso’s temperature.

It was strong, bold, and balanced. A total difference from the cup of swamp water that Christina had presented to me.

“Wow, this is good,” I said. Out loud. By accident.

I felt myself immediately flush red and I scampered off back to my hideout among the books.

I really am losing my mind, I thought as I clutched the cup in my hands and paced the aisles once more. The glow of the espresso’s warmth brought me some comfort as I slowed my brisk walk, took a deep breath, and decided to finally pick some books and go back home. I was feeling tired and more frazzled than anything, and I needed to sleep.

I made my way up to the register, my selected books clutched in my hands. There was only one cashier behind one of the four registers along the counter, and he was finishing up with an older woman. I was the only one waiting in line as I stood, sneaking glances up to watch their interaction. The cashier was laughing lightly at something the woman had said as he bagged up her purchase. He was tall and lanky, with short-ish, messy dark brown hair that hid his forehead and hung about his ears and a bit down on the back of his neck. If he didn’t have his bangs somewhat tucked by and behind his ears, I could tell his eyes would be hidden. He shifted as he handed the woman her bag, and sure enough, some strands of his hair came loose and covered his eyes. He slightly sputtered before laughing once again and tucking them back away, wishing the woman a good rest of her evening. She smiled and departed, and I quickly dropped my eyes back down to the books in my hands.

“I can help you, miss!” he called out, and I felt my feet move forward as I approached the register. I just needed to complete this final human interaction successfully and then I could step out into the peaceful night with my new books, which I now placed on the counter for the guy to ring up. 

I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes, so I instead focused on his ear.

It was a nice ear, I suppose.

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Yes, I did, thank you,” I replied.

His voice is what pulled me in. Like I was curling up between the pages of a book, encouched in comfort.

It gave me the bravery to look at his nose.

It was a dainty nose, small and sprinkled with faint freckles, like snow dusting our backyard in North Carolina. 

I internally kicked myself for allowing my brain to go back to those memories for the thousandth time tonight. 

“Yes, thank you,” I said, my eyes still fixed on his nostrils. 

“This is a really good series,” he started, turning the thick blue book over in his hand to scan the barcode. “I’ve read this one twice. I love the author’s style and the descriptions of the dragons and other creatures are amazing. The characters are a plus, too, especially the kid with white hair. I believe his name is Scourge. I also love the cover, it’s what grabbed my attention the first time we got a shipment,” he said, turning it over in his hand once more to look at it, before smiling back at me. “You’re into fantasy?”

Crap. Of course he had to break the script and ask a personal question.

I flicked my eyes to his, for only a millisecond.

Back to his nose.

His smile.

It was a soft-in-the-corners smile, accompanied by a single dimple in the right cheek, which was also dusted with freckles.

I let my eyes rest there.

“I am,” I replied, trying to quickly slap a sentence together. The espresso had not kicked in. “I love a wide variety of genres, but I do tend to read more fantasy books.”

“That’s cool,” he said, his smile still soft as he finished ringing me up. “Did you have a membership with us?”

“I do,” I answered, giving him my phone number so he could type it in for my rewards. 

“Alright, Jade, would you like your receipt?” he asked, his fingers poised to pull it from the machine. 

The way he said my name curled around my head. It anchored me in place. In reality. It took me out of the tumultuous sea in my head.

I raised my eyes to meet his, but still couldn’t make contact.

“No, thank you,” I answered. “How did you know my name?”

He laughed lightly and pointed to the screen. “It came up with your phone number on your membership profile.”

I blushed, mentally kicking myself for missing something so obvious. I was starting to realize how awkward I was making this interaction by making myself nervous and allowing my thoughts to continue to hinder my actions. 

I finally looked him in the eyes and held my gaze, taking in his entire face at once, rather than in parts.

Soft dark brown hair. A landscape of freckles, his dimple, and his eyes. 

Gentle. Hazel. Beautiful. Kind.

He smiled, his cheeks high and perked. 

I felt kind of fuzzy.

Wow. He’s really cute.

“I should’ve known that,” I finally said, laughing lightly, my eyes flitting to his chest. He didn’t have a name tag on. “What was your name?” I asked.

“I’m Sammy,” he smiled, looking a bit sheepish. “I lost my name tag again. I’m somehow always misplacing it. I get distracted easily, mainly by books, and I’m pretty sure I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders. At least that’s what my mom used to say.”

He laughed, and then handed me my bagged up books. 

“Sammy,” I repeated. For some reason, I absolutely loved how it sounded on my tongue. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“It was nice to meet you too! I hope you enjoy your books. If I see you back again, let me know what you think of Chosen,” he said, gesturing to my bag. “The blue fantasy one.”

“I will,” I said, nodding slightly and smiling. “Have a good night.”

“You as well!” he replied, his eyes bright as I turned away and a new customer replaced me. 

The interaction had been mere minutes, but it had seemed like hours.

He was really cute, I thought to myself again as I exited the bookstore into the gentle night air, the moon still gleaming down, the bag in my hand gently rustling.

I crossed the parking lot in silence before I swung into my car and drove home. The deep night sky felt like an inverted ocean about to swallow me whole, just as my thoughts had over and over tonight. 

I needed sleep.

I got home, grabbed my books off the passenger seat, and quietly entered my house. As I passed Jasper’s room, I silently opened the door and peeked in. His computer screen was dark, as well as his entire room, so I turned my phone flashlight on and shone it towards his bed. I saw his tousled hair peeking out from his blanket, and I could hear his soft, even breaths. I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that he was asleep, his mind finally at rest.

I was eager for mine to be, too. 

I slipped into my room, deposited my bag on my desk chair, and quickly got ready for bed, sweeping my long hair into a ponytail as I got into my sleep shirt and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. 

I clambered into my bed and tucked myself under my covers, lying on my back, my eyes taking in nothing but the darkness of my room.

My mind was still abuzz with all that had occurred tonight. Talking with Tiffany, updates about my old life, Derek, Jasper’s emotional state, my memories of hanging out with Christina and Chavery, my mom, my dad, my own emotional and mental states…so much was swirling in my mind.

I locked my focus back to Sammy. I felt a subtle warm hum in my chest when I conjured him up into my mind. Maybe it was that espresso kicking in. Or did I feel some type of way about him? His cute mannerisms: blowing his hair out of his face, losing his name tag, the look of love in his eyes and touch of wistfulness in his voice when he talked about books. His calming demeanor and light voice and gentle eyes. The fact he invited me to come back and debrief him on my thoughts about books if I saw him again. 

I felt a small smile on my face as the swirling sea became calm in my mind, my thoughts anchored on Sammy.

I wanted to see him again. 

I would have to read that book as soon as I could. 

I wanted to be at peace, just like I felt when I was surrounded by books and his voice.

I needed…sleep…

I felt myself begin to drift, slowly, gently, out a sea of unconsciousness. 

My dreams remained anchored by the brown-eyed boy from Bedrock Books. 

♥